Tag Archive | Self-acceptance

Is Love painful?

Does love cause pain or is it really a feeling caused because of fear? or is it because of the negative emotions caused because of Love? Ideally Love is not painful and it is a pleasant feeling and the fear of love or the negative feelings because of love.

Love is an inconceivable feeling. Love is a beautiful and unbelievable feeling. It makes us to fly in heaven. It never creates pain.
The pain and hurt what we feel doesn’t come from love and it comes from within us on many factors like doubts, fears, anxiety, rejections, possessive nature, distrust, broken trust, envy, jealousy etc. We chunk ourselves with all these feelings and keep saying that love causes pain.  This pain can cause the burden to the heart and I am sure it is not because of the love. Where there is love, there is trust and where there is trust there is no pain. We take all the uncomfortable feelings to our heart and we create chaos.

If we really consider that our relationship is primary and it is important to us, If we value our relationship or the love what we have for the other, then we will not create any turmoil to our relationship. Neither we were taught or educate ourselves that love cannot give pain. All the unwanted feelings are not part of the love. When we are fearful or anger or anxious or jealous, are we experiencing a state of love? We surely feel there is difference in the love .

Love feels warm, Love feels joy, love is felt deep in the heart. Love gives a deep sense of satisfaction Love has to be approached as per the Maslow’s theory (Hierarchy of Needs)

There is a lot of difference between need and want. Love also plays a vital role when it is a wanted relationship and a needed relationship. When you see the love as a wanted relationship you will not have any kind of other ill feelings, even if something crops up, we will say I love it. I will take it easily. When you see the love as a needed relationship, then we allow the pain to enter and play with our heart.

When we enter into a relationship we don’t get into it knowing the good and bad of it. We admire something and fall in love. In reality when we see the changes and we feel that we are very good about ourselves. When we enter in to the love, we become dependent and we expect our love to feel that we need our associate to make us feel good about ourselves. Whether the love is there or not, we were feeling too good about us.  If we would have felt lonely or empty before their entry into our life, we feel that the vacuum is being filled by them and it becomes supreme for us. We fear that space will become empty if they leave, so their staying becomes vital. We become dependent of them and the dependency creates the fear and unhappiness and obviously threat is there in any relationship of leaving the bond.

Either the heart or our mind is not ready to accept that these are not our permanent saviours and they are not here to help us but only to give pain because of the love what you show to them.

We become friends so easily and we fail to keep up it or we give damn to that because we know that they are ours. How a friendship is born?

We meet as strangers. We will talk to the stranger. We get introduced. We admire something in them, we feel some closeness, some comfort feeling, some love, some care etc.,. The stranger will become closer to us, and will become as our friend.  Very few will become special and will become more than everything and some will give the impact of nothing as well.

Stranger will keep on telling that I can’t live without you. I need you to guide me, I need you for this and that and all blah blah.. Initially stranger will say I miss you on on on on & on. . . . .

Everything will be going fine in the friendship. Suddenly they will change with a reason or without a reason. May be they get a new person in their life. In beginning they will tell you about the new person, they will slowly stop talking about that person, they will hide things & stop sharing anything.

If you call they will say I will call you later… I am LITTLE BUSY will talk later. Then they will never call you, you will think that person is busy but ACTUALLY YOU HAVE LOST him/her.. It will take more time for us to realize that the close friend has become a stranger to us. By the time,  we realize that the close friend has become as a stranger, we would have lost ourselves in that friendship.

Don’t bring people close to your heart, because the problem with the close 1 is that, they know where to hit exactly!!

It is better that we should know about ourselves before we enter into any kind of relationship. We are allowing the other person to break our heart. When we start loving others, that moment we become fragile. The moment you enter into any relationship you become weak and vulnerable. You are helpless and you are forced to get the pain because you allowed them to make you weak.

 “Knowing Others is Wisdom, Knowing Yourself is Enlightenment.”

Who knows more about me? Does a friend knows more about me, my parents, my spouse, my kids ? who knows more about me other than myself. No one is closer than me and I love myself more than any one.

It is very much required to get the clarity about who you are and what you want (and why you want it). Sometimes we dwell in utopia and want these dreams as a reality.  A dream is just a dream, you can’t make it reality and we should know the difference between the dream and the reality. Loving someone in dreams is not the reality and loving someone in life will never become a dream. If dreams continues then it creates internal dramas and unknown beliefs, and allows unknown thought processes to decide our feelings and actions.

If you think about it, not understanding why you do what you do, and feel what you feel is like going through your life with a stranger’s mind. How do you make wise decisions and choices if you don’t understand why you want and  what you want? It’s a difficult and chaotic way to live never knowing what this stranger is going to do next.

Believe in your friend and accept if the friend becomes as a stranger, and don’t try to dwell with the stranger as the time has changed the stranger’s priority from a friend to a stranger and these friends will never stick on to anyone’s life because they are tresspasser’s.

They were never said to be in our life and it is our mistake that we entertained them to enter into our life.

They know only to hit us in the right place to become more vulnerable and it is not their intention to keep us safely in their heart. They become close with you for their timely needs and at their convenience they will leave you or ditch you.

If ever I say goodbye to anyone, that doesn’t mean that I hate them or I love them no more or I don’t need anymore in my life. It means I want them to be much happier.

If ever I would cry, it’s not only because I lost them, but also because I lost my life’s precious moments without spending with them. I can’t feel that I have lost most precious moments just because of spending my time with them, because they have given me a special feeling of that relationship.

It is very hard to get people with the same attitude and we have to accept what we have got as pain ONLY.

Don’t allow any intruders to ruin your heart. Self-love is the best way to being loving and happy with who you are. Sometimes it is self-esteem and sometimes it will not allow your self-esteem to get hurt as well. Accepting ourselves will make us to feel great and when we get hurt, we can accept with what we have done.

“In Love pain is inevitable which needs to be considered as love only not as pain “

Love itself becomes pain if the other person doesn’t realize the love of the others. But when it is between two understanding hearts, then it is a pleasant pain, when it is love it is pleasant, when we have fear it is pain and we can’t avoid this pleasant pain in any kind of relationship”. What is more matters the value of the relationship, whether it is pleasant or pain? If the pain is more, we will come out of the relationship and if the pain is less, we will try to cope up with the pain as well.

In life when you have to make a choice between the one you love and the one who loves you. Choose the one who loves you. Because you can learn to love someone…. But cannot teach someone to love you!!”

“The experience of love is the same, what changes are our preferences.” 

“Love till it hurts, and when it hurts, love some more and when it hurt some more, love till it hurts no more”

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Self

Self-contented Life

In the recent years, I use the above big word so easily in my life and it has become so casual. I am really surprised to feel how I have become this much self-contained?

My philosophy of life is simple. It is to live and let live. To great extent am successful in living this. Normally I try not to interfere in other people’s work. Of course when I consider my friends as my personal relationship I do interfere or give suggestions and leave them to take the decisions. I don’t take any decisions for anyone as the decisions whatever I have taken personally failed drastically for me. I don’t regret for any of those, but I can’t take it so easily for my friend’s failures and I can’t be a reason for their failures.

Self-acceptance

It is very important to understand that others are different from us and have the right to their own views and attitude. I am also a great believer in self-acceptance. I don’t prefer someone else to decide for me. If I take others decision and follow it, then that decision also will fail, it’s better let me take the decision and let it fail. I have to blame that other person as if  they have taken the decision. We have to learn how to be kind and gentle to ourselves, and accept one as it is. Self-acceptance is the source of great strength.

Purpose of Life

Sometimes I used to feel what is the purpose of my life? Really a million dollar question for me and I don’t have the answer as well. Even today I was chatting with my sister saying that my life goes with the wind and I go with the wind. Life takes me wherever it wishes. I don’t have any destination or destiny has not given me what is the purpose of my life. But you don’t do this. It was easy for me to say it to her to correct her way, but I was not able to do it for myself. This might be one of the reasons for me to get the self-contented feeling.

Self-Growth

I used to read not only on inspirational, but also on mind, body and spiritual as well, which has refined me totally from the worldly life to a different life. Am I not living a worldly life? If my answer is yes, then I am cheating myself.. I do live a very luxury worldly life in a way which I like to live and I live it happily. Am I happy in living this life, I will not say no because I decided to live in this way and the percentage of happiness might differ, but I know in this self-contended life I am very happy compared to the normal worldly life.

When I started reading the “My Experiments of Truth” of Mahatma Gandhi, it turned my life style little differently.

I learned not only from my mistakes but also from others mistakes, it starts from my parents mistakes till my kids mistakes and I feel that nobody else could have reached my stage so early because they would not have done so many mistakes in life to get enlightened. May be god wanted me to get this self-contented stage at this age, that’s why he made me to fail in many things.

Self-Control

Self-Control is the ability to control our desires or the whims & fancies. Self-Control is the ability to make ourselves in control with the needs of our day to day requirements. For all our basic needs, we can’t say that we need to control. It is a need and we must have it. When the need becomes wants, then there comes the control and we need to know how to control? If we can control then it is said to be as self-control or self-discipline.

It is not some kind of negative and limiting behavior, as some people might think. When self-control is used wisely and with common sense, it becomes one of the most important tools for self-improvement and for achieving success.

One cannot attain this self-control unless the needs are satisfied to a minimum level and it is not very tough for the human race to follow the self-control as we have the common sense and intelligence of knowing the needs and wants. We can’t control others but we can control ourselves. The only differentiation what we could do is we can control ourselves. I will write a separate article on this as this subject is an ocean for me J

Food Habits

To be self-contented, I started my control with the food habits. From birth, I am a vegetarian. I was eating very heavy food like others. I changed it gradually to have half stomach; this also has not come as a control, as a part of lesson learned from some contents. I have a very limited portion of food for breakfast and for lunch, and Dinner. I don’t do any exercise as long as I feel that I am energetic and as long as I don’t feel any ailment in my health.  Why to control on food? Food is the first step which leads to the other needs. There is a saying by Thiruvalluvar, offer food to stomach when there is no food for your ears. I do follow it. All my days I can read and write on some contents and I will not feel hungry at all. The moment I stop doing my activities, I will feel hungry.

Spiritual

Am I religious? Partially yes and partially no. I am religious and I use my religion and the concept of my religion as a weapon to have a self-contented life. I am not religious when I don’t need the self-control aspect.

My spiritual life style has touched me a lot in the last 10 years and I love to be in sync with that than the worldly life. I started spiritual as a weapon for me to safe guard myself; to avoid some unwanted mistakes in my life. Sometimes I have used it as a mask, but it has become part of my life. Now am in separable from that Holy Spirit.

Happiness

First thing I started feeling is that no one can make us happy other than ourselves. If I need someone to make me happy then I have to be in a place to make them also happy. So let me try to make myself happy so as I can show the same to the other person as well.

How do we create happiness inside us? How do you not rely on other people, places or things? At times, I am unable to make it so easily, because I do depend on others to make me happy. I make others happy and I get the happiness out of it. Most of the time, I feel that I am happy because of myself and I give importance to myself and not giving importance to others to make me happy.

We should know the art of living to make ourselves happy so as we can show the art of living to others how to make their life happiest.

Positive Thinking

Above all, I have lost all the life’s positive sides because of my negative thinking. Always I will think in negative aspect only. Now to the world I look positive but first impression will come to me as negatively only. Journey of life has taught important lessons in patience, dedication, respect and selflessness but very lately. This is also one of the reasons to have the self-contented life. I can’t go back to my teens to correct my mistakes. I can’t go back to twenties to correct my mistakes. If I try to do so which I should have done it twenties, then again I am going to commit a mistake.

Money

Money is important. However, in our society we do not emphasize the importance of money as a lesson;For me and my sisters,  it is with us in our blood. We were neither taught nor asked to learn the value of money and at the same time given the pocket-money what we wanted. Neither I am a miser nor a spendthrift.

There is no real way of measuring of how much money is enough for our life or how much will make us the extreme satisfied or happy. 10 years back if I would have got 10 lakhs I would have felt like that money is more for my life time. Now it is a difficult question. People would tend to say whatever the comfort level is. My comfort level in money is “reducing your comforts” and you can lead a peaceful life with what you have and I am really self-contented in this.

I know I was very happy living with 7 people in a single room whereas I can’t get that happiness in 1500 square feet flat. This is the reality of life. People around me can feel that I will be very happy now, no I tend to be happy and I show that I am happy but I was very happy.

Self-contented elements

I will prefer to get the answers from my friends and not answering for the below on my own.

Do you learn to really like yourself?
This includes self-respect, acceptance, appreciation, trust, tolerance. Look at these ingredients and apply them to yourself. Consider whether you treat yourself with the same love and appreciation you would treat another person.

Do you respect yourself?
Is there something in your past or someone who has made you feel less of a person? Are you living up to your personal values? Can you say you can be trusted? Do you keep your word?

Do you accept yourself?
Are you as accepting of yourself as you are of others? Do you look only at your flaws or do you consider your positive attributes? If there are areas you aren’t comfortable with, are you in the process of changing them? Change what you don’t like, accept that which you don’t want to change. You don’t have to be perfect.

Do you appreciate yourself?
Do you look at the nice things you do and pat yourself on the back? Do you tell yourself the words of encouragement you tell others?

Do you trust yourself?
Do you follow your intuition? Do you make sensible decisions? Is your judgement sound? Do you learn from your mistakes?

Do you show tolerance toward yourself?
Do you dwell on the negative or do you balance it out with positives. You may not normally think positively, your negative mind chatter may drag you down but you can develop the habit of thinking positively, creating an attitude of cheerfulness and hope.

Take care of yourself. If you don’t, nobody else will. If you don’t appreciate and love yourself, how can you expect others to appreciate and love you? Develop goals that move you closer to caring for yourself. Learn from everything that happens, the positive as well as the negative, the small as well as the large.

The Truths About Life

Human suffering is all-UNIVERSAL. We can’t avoid it and no one can escape from their share of pain. The pain of life lies among all with the rich or the poor, among men or women, we can witness that each has their own problems and difficulties. This is the law of life. I learned it very late. I was not able to understand it when I faced my personal failure in life. Education failures, Professional failures, relationship failures and all failures has made me to feel that am a total failure product of my parents and this resulted in self-contented as I know that I can’t be more successful person in achieving these many failures. I started feeling that after so many failures I stood up and faced the world with courage.

I know whatever happens, life has to move on. Giving up is not an option. But I can give up if it is going to help the other person. One must accept the situation and move on. This attitude has stood me in good stead in my own life to lead a self-contented life. I will not dream big. If at all I will dream very small things which I can’t make it in life. All other things I don’t dream, I do live with it.

Looking Back

I am happy with the way life has been for me. I never turn back my past and see what happened in my past and what I have lost, and neither I see the future with big plans. I see the present and go with the wind without any plans. Whatever I am today is of a self-improved personality. I have not given any chance for others to correct me, because I don’t like anyone to correct/control me.  I created a self-discipline rule for me and I follow that as my life principle.

Main reason for me writing this is one of my close friends and I wish her not to say this word self-contented, especially when at this stage of life. I really feel bad of you and I don’t want you to say this word any more. You can lead a self-contented life after 20 years of worldly life.

I have not become the self-contained in one day. It was a slow and steady gradual enlighten which I realized it in the recent time. I got so much inspiration and motivation from people around me. Some of them taught me what is life, some taught me how to lead the life and some of them taught me how all we should not live. I am a great learner and that’s why I was able to feel the self-contented within short period of 17 years as I learn from others mistakes as well.

I don’t want to write the reasons behind that friend. I don’t want her personal affairs discussed in public. But my sincere recommendation for her is please don’t be self-contented now. If we lose the age, we can’t get it back. Enjoy your life to the fullest then you can become self-contented.

A beautiful effect for you on contentment is that you become more flexible. As you like yourself more, you can consider others more. You aren’t so preoccupied with getting your own personal needs met. If you become more flexible it will be a win-win situation. As it happens, you find that delightful people come into your life and enhance it even more. You will not find time for the self-contentment as life will take you as it wishes. Now it is not moving as you expect, not because of your contentment but because of the situation and later stage you will also feel like me that you missed so many things and you can conclude that you are self-contented, may be even sooner than me. I will pray to god that you should not reach that stage forever as I want you to have this-worldly life to the fullest.

Enjoy your life. Keep smiling, keep going forward and no look backs or set back. I forced myself to live a self-contented life not it is my destiny decided by me.