Tag Archive | kid

Haunting feelings

Haunting Feelings

I chose not to post anything about feelings, but am unable to stop my haunting pain in my heart. It is really disgusting feeling to think about something wherein your mind revolves about one and only one reason.

I hate myself for loving someone so deeply is the thought that goes on in my mind, rather than saying that I hate that person whom I still love. I think that have I done a mistake by loving this person? Unfortunately love doesn’t come or no one can force love on someone. It has to come on its own and we can’t stop loving that person whatever happens in life.

Sometimes we hate what we used to love and we think that which we love is unworthy of our love because it has let us down greatly in some way or another.

Many of my friends asked me how come you can love this person to this extent, even after reading or finding the indifference’s in her? To be honest, I love her knowing that indifference’s and I have to hate myself and I can’t say that I hate her.

It is easy to fall in love and to love someone who loves us is very easy. I know for sure that she neither had any love for me nor any soft corner for me, but I can’t change my love for her. It came in me and it will die in me.

Is it possible for a mother to hate a son/daughter, even the criminals mother’s used to say that my son is innocent? At times, they know that it could be by her son, but still they will not give up them till last moment. Finally they will agree that evil has to be punished.

A mother will never feel like withdrawing all her love and give it to somewhere else that is more worthy to receive.

It might be true that she has love, belief and trust with a wrong person, because that person was given birth, and she can’t hate for any reason.

Sometimes, we can feel like we have shown our love to a person who is not trustworthy or not worth of our love. It could also be true that we ourselves are not yet right to love that person in their way. When it was with her, I always had an assumption that I am not in a right way to love her as she wants.

The negative situation or the unpleasant circumstances what I experienced was to help me to discover what love means and what loving unconditionally really means.

I used to tell myself that when I remember her, I have to tell myself that I hate her. It is easy to hate her, I tried to hate her to the core, but I couldn’t do it. All the time, I used to say how she could do this? What kind of woman she is? Unworthy to be called as female, evil, bitch etc., but end of the sentence, I will feel that my love will say sorry for thinking her badly, for scolding her badly, a drop of tear which will be ready to flow will say that I love her more deeply not I love her the most above myself.

Hate is an emotion that is meant to come in each person as a destructive protection against any form of evil. It is a violent force against anything that is destructive towards us.

When we feel hate or anger, it just means that someone is doing something that hurts you. In my case also, it is true, I didn’t expect her to show the reciprocation of my love, but I expected her to accept my love for her. When it got rejected, obviously we get offended. It is nothing wrong with the way I felt because our emotions serve as a feedback and motivating force to move towards that which is good in life. I always believe that anything and everything happens for a reason.

Every time when I say I hate her, my face will become dull and how many times in a minute I can say someone as I hate her, when I really don’t hate her? It is really tough situation and I started saying god bless her, for giving me such a pleasant feeling to love her till this moment. I am happy and I am sure that I can’t hate her, but slowly make me to forget her. When I think of her, this is the prayer which comes to my mind.

I realized that I can’t hate her and I can’t scold her or I can’t curse her, but only thing I can say is she will also realize this kind of love in her life and wish that she should not miss that love.

The reason why you feel hate and anger is because the person is doing something that hurts you. Your love for yourself repels against such an act. You feel unacknowledged, unappreciated or somehow mistreated in one way or another by the other person. Therefore you seek to redress the wrong or undeserved suffering caused by that person.

Love is a natural feeling which comes on its own and you understand what your emotions are telling you, and hate is a reaction feeling that comes at an instance because of pain/hurt given by someone whom we love. When we know the reason you feel that way, it enables you to truly resolve everything in your inner world.

My thoughts doesn’t go beyond this because, it is not only memorable feeling, but also disturbing feeling because when I know someone doesn’t like me, I never used to think to know the reason because it is their attitude. But when a person has killed your precious time in the name of love and suddenly vanishes without even telling the reason, then that is really a worrying factor. This worry will never settle me in peace.

Love is not a cycle, Love comes, Hate comes and Love comes and hate comes… even if hate comes it is only for that moment, but love forever.

When you love someone, only love will stick to your mind not the anger or the hurt

Try to understand the problem before making a harsh statement… will continue

Advertisements

Motherhood

Motherhood is a divine emotion, an incomparable feeling. A mother shares the most beautiful and strongest bond with her child. It makes any female the happiest person on the earth, though there are many forms in which happiness comes to us but this one is with prodigious duty. This is a responsibility and not a burden but a sweet concern and very beautiful feeling of taking care, giving care, guiding the kid, making the kid to feel that they are in the safe hands.

BEING a mother is the most beautiful emotion in the world. I thanked you so many times for giving such a wonderful feeling. It is something that has to be felt. You have not come from my womb but so strong in providing that feeling, even now when I type this tears flow from my eyes.

These are not tears my love, these are the blood which I should have shed it. No matter how hard I try, I can never describe it in words. The bond between a mother and her child is the most lovely and strongest bond.

mother advice

I can’t make you understand what I felt for you or with you with words because it is a beautiful relationship. It is so hard for me to make someone understand it with words. Only those who have felt such kind of relationship can understand it and feel it.

My Life got changed completely when I considered you as a Kid. You know me that I have been the most fearless and confident person, someone who is always ready to take a risk but suddenly I started feeling scared and nervous about almost everything. Of course every child will make their mothers a weak personality, it is not emotionally weak, and it is a sense of responsibility and to provide the child all the happiness of the world.

I was never sure if everything I was doing is enough and I never felt was it over or is it all right. I was nervous all the time, what if I did something wrong to you or whether I am showing the right care for you or is it hurting you or are you feeling it as I feel or taking it wrongly or there were 1000 things going on in my mind.

It was not because that I considered you as my kid, because I shared what I felt with you and sharing that feeling with you has given me more responsibility to handle it carefully. By all means I don’t want to hurt you because of my feeling towards you. I became my biggest critic.

Of course I never felt happy with material things. But it is with the love from my surroundings, but the way I was feeling happiness because of you, words can’t just explain it, how it was because it is something divine. I realized that joy doesn’t come from material things only because of you my dear.

I might spend thousands of rupees to buy something for myself or for others but one smile from you made me the happiest person on the earth. There’s something divine about it. The way I got the ring from you, no one in the earth can make me so happy like that. Only I know how happy I was and I was praying to god please take my life this moment because I am so happy and I don’t want any more happiness in my life. Have you given that ring as gift to your boy-friend or with some stupid intention?

Only problem with me was I don’t want you to feel low either because of me or because of any reason. No matter how low I was feeling, one smile and your spirits will make it high again. Your smile became the best thing in my life.

With your smile I used to feel that all my worries vanished  and started to feel worrying for one thing that I should not give any hurt to you. I was so careful in showing my love and care to you especially because you are not a kid and a matured lady. May be the more I was careful, I gave the hurt to you but it was not knowingly and certainly it was unknowingly only. I don’t tell lies and I don’t care about anyone to tell the truth. To tell the lies only I have to think and remember everything, to tell the truth I don’t need to think about anyone and anything.

I never know that you will make me so stupid and not to feel that the only reason for me to hold you is to hear that you are happy and with your words I used to feel that you are happy or not and your smile will bring more happiness in my life.

The way you avoided me, if I would have considered you as a friend, I would not have given a room for you to enter into my circle of friendship because neither you deserve my friendship nor do you know what is friendship? You have never been cordial with anyone that is what I hear about you from your colleagues.

Your smile has given me inner strength inside me that I never thought I had. I know for sure that no one could give me that feeling in future because you destroyed my love and care. I felt that I have the energy and strength to look after you like a mother all your needs throughout the day.

During March-12, I went to India to find out the formalities to do the adoption, as soon as I came back Anantha asked me why not you fill the form now itself so as you will get the kid as soon as possible. Do you know what my response was, I told him that if I do it now, I will not be able to enjoy this great feeling and I will not be able to be true to both of them. Let me enjoy this feeling and let her give birth to her kid, and then I will go for it.

Even if I adopt a kid, I will not have that feeling now and I will have a fear only. Going for adoption is my 20 years dream and I have to fulfill it but now everything has become like a dream. How many sleepless nights I had with such high feeling for you and you destroyed it so cheaply with one word. Huh what kind of person you are my dear? I really feel ashamed to say that you are 26 years old woman who is feeling so much to become a mother. Do you know the difference between a mother and a boyfriend?

When I was there and asked you whether you had food or not, you never felt it differently or you wanted my friendship for something else. To support your boss officially to get information from me what we feel and think or something strange reasons?

I never had any feeling or felt like crib about not being able to give time to myself or about not being able to sleep well or to spend time with my friends, but still I loved every minute of my time spent with you and I can’t get that feeling for anything in the world.

Do you think I am lonely and I spend my time with you for time pass? I enjoy each and every minute of my life living lonely and I don’t pretend that I am happy. I have told you many times, I shared my wonderful time with you not to to hurt you or to get hurt. I have shared my time which I was supposed to spend with my family, friends, philosophers, my playing time, reading time, writing time, relaxing time… I don’t want my love and care what I have given you. Can you give back all the time what I have spent with you and because of you in pain now?

Normally mothers want to make the world a better place for their Kids. I don’t know what you know about motherhood or what you have learnt from your surroundings.

I have seen only the best mother and what all a mother can do for their kids. I have been brought up by a great mother and I have seen more motherliness from the people around me (My mom’s sister, granny, Gee)

They all used to protect me like a Kid even at this age from all the evil things. They are ready to fight against all the odds to make me happy and even now trying their best to make me happy. The way I have shown it to my cousin sister’s daughter, When I go to see the kid, even her mother-in-law will say, she is here, let her be with her daughter, we all will go. That is my love for each and every one and the respect what I have got from my second level of relatives is also so great for me.

The moment you become a mother, hope you will start respecting the motherliness and I pray for it to happen soon. I started loving my mother when I felt her sacrifices and the way she has done everything for me and I started respecting her even more after having the feeling of you as my kid.

All the things whatever she has done to me and my sisters are so huge. I used to think about this every day and I wonder how my mother has done so much sacrifice and was feeling how can I ever repay her for the sacrifices she made for me.

I used to feel that I will be doing it with my adopted kid and ideally I should have done all of it with the one who is going to be in my life and as my life. I have to show the entire love what I have experienced, learned and got from my mother and surroundings. I tried to do the same with you which was my biggest mistake.

I always say that my mom is the best mom in the world (Everyone will say that) but have I done enough for her? Will I be as good a mother as she is? I used to always tell her that mom, we don’t want to do anything more than what you have done to us. We want to give what you have given to us as a mother to our kids.

Unfortunately I didn’t give a chance for myself to have my own, but for sure the one who will come in my life will have all of it as the blessings. The one deserving will enter my life for sure.

Will I be as good a mother as she is? I think this is something every woman will ask herself when she becomes a mother. It makes you realize how much your mom loves you and what she really means to you and how much care she has taken in your growth.

It’s only then that you realize that the bond between a mother and child is the most unbreakable bond in the world. You are the only one who can break the beautiful relationship also. Of course it was my mistake that I felt such a great feeling through you.

Nobody can come between a mother and her child. I have shown it to the entire world when everyone around me and you wanted to say something against you or in favor of me to identify your real color, I have not allowed anyone to do for which I am paying the huge price.

A child becomes her mother’s universe and a mother becomes the child’s universe. May be I was wrong to think you as my world but yes it was wrong if you were not aware of it. I am lucky to have the feeling for you.

Whatever colors you have shown, may be god has given me this as a punishment for sharing my love and care with you. I would have been very happy not to hear even a single word bad about you and I would have been the happiest to die without  hearing anything bad about you. But god made me to hear everything, witness everything and made me as a reason from your mouth is more painful than the death of a kid. I am killing my self each second and feeling this as punishment from god.

Even after all your ill feelings, bad thoughts, arrogant attitude, immature character, playful behavior  I was feeling so nice about you and When I see a sweet kid in front of my eyes in the lift or on the road or in any mall, I used to feel if she has a kid like this, how it will be and a drop of tear comes out of my eyes and makes me to feel so bad with all your actions. At that point I have to curse you, but I will bring in a smile to myself and say you are a stupid, don’t think for her, think about yourself. I never got such a feeling with a small beautiful kids to think as my kids.

At last not the least, every mother would have slapped their kids, scolded their kids, cursed their kids but it is not to hurt them or to spoil them. It is all to make them in the right way. It happened with me as well. My mother has given beatings with broom sticks, whatever she gets in her hand, because I was so naughty, careless, rude and very arrogant.

I have the moral responsibility as a friend to correct him/her. I used to do it with everyone, if I feel that they are wrong. Your religion also says that don’t avoid people for their mistakes, and don’t afraid to correct them. It is your moral responsibility to inform them that what they are doing is wrong. It is their choice to take it or leave it.

I have done it on the road for one of my friend’s sister who was talking to a guy and scolded her on the road and said I will not scold next time, I will slap you on the road for doing such kind of activity. I know for sure that she has not taken it as like you and she is happily living and shown me her two kids recently when she met me in a park and said I married the same guy only see him he is there.

I considered you as my daughter and when I said those little harsh words to you to change your character is just to make you aware that you need to become lovelier so as you can make your child to feel that your heart is the place of heaven for her or him to dwell in. I was not wrong at all. Even then I asked sorry to you because it caused pain to you. You were not ready to analyze your mistake but you were keen to find out others mistakes.

How could you damage it with a silly word of saying it as a boyfriend? If I would not have shared it to you or if you are unaware of my feelings for you, then I can say that you can feel it as a crap or anything. What did I do as like a boyfriend to you? I am really annoyed with this word. Those guys around me are also friend only to me and how can you use these kind of cheap words?

Whatever it is all these are the answers for your husband’s question and if you have the guts share it and answer to my questions. I really hate someone to interfere in between my friends and you know what you are, tell them I gave them respect it is only because they are part of your life (Boss and your husband).

Let God show the great feeling of motherhood to you so as you will realize what you have done with me. This is not a curse, and it is a heartfelt wishes only… you will not know the difference between a wish and a curse also because you are a silly person with no feelings.

Love Love Love

 

 

Not a Dream to Erase

Not a Dream to Erase

 

Love is Not How You Feel

Love is Not How You Feel

 

Ur Smile

Ur Smile

 

Rainbow requires both SUN and RAIN

Rainbow requires both SUN and RAIN

 

Ends - Mark of New Beginning

Ends – Mark of New Beginning

 

I Love You