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Thank you All (2014)

We are almost in the last few days to end the year 2014 and eagerly waiting to welcome the year 2015.

It’s time for me to say “Thanks” for the wonderful people who crossed my life, whether a stranger who said thanks from his bottom of his heart for just giving him a change for 100 Dhms, or the security who has seen me while going for walking to say thank you for giving the confidence and smiles whom I have not seen before or after that conversation.

I have to say thanks to God for giving me the pleasure to touch someone’s life with my smiles. Whether I am tensed or fed up with life or frustrated with a friend or with my family, I try to get rid off my pain with music and with my smiles. sometimes yes with tears also, but those tears doesn’t take away the pain but it ignites more fire in me and it makes me to do the weirdest things.

I have to thank Face book because with a stupid status message my pain or the stress is getting relieved, irrespective of whether the concerned person sees it or not.

I have to thank Face book friends who are a great supporters, even though I have few who gives pain in FB, but I take it as a sweet pain and I have given the rights for you to do that with me :-).

I have to thank for the wonderful friends(entire team) that I got with the working environment who were feeling more than me for the humiliation or for the personal pains. Thank you guys for being there for me for the most important time of my life.

I have very good friends from Pakistan, who are there in my life even before coming to UAE. We are from two rivalry countries, but we never had any sort of rivalry kind of communications and both the teams felt that they so nice and sweet people and we know that we are being used as a force of threat for the political benefits.

From the working environment, I used to keep hi and hello relationship only, but I realized that what kind of support that I have got from you guys during my exit only. The way you all said that journey with you all is not an end, but a beginning. I really enjoyed, enjoying and will cherish those small tiny moments what we have shared in and out of the clients place. Thank you for the support and the Gully Tea times, I will cherish these moments forever.

 

Life is beautiful, nevertheless to say thanks to you, because you are going to be there to say this each and everyday irrespective of where you are or where I am or what I do. I have that much confidence in you that this will never break till we are alive.

I have to say special thanks to you for being with me at the worst time of my day and made me to feel relaxed, smile when I was not able to control my emotions. I have to thank you for those special words “Love you loads of dear daughter and I want to be always there for you whenever you need” which was like a rebirth for me on that particular moment. Those words were like an angel coming with handful of water while wandering in a desert. If I would have got a hug from you, you would have seen the emotional and sensitive side of me. I sincerely Thank GOD for introducing such a lovely and caring mother in Dubai.

Thank you my dear friend for being with me as always during the entire tenure of my working experience is really awesome and thanks for being dare enough to question your boss or to say that they did something wrong thing. When the entire team used to say that I have a special bond with you, I used to deny it and say that she is one like you only, but now it’s time for me to say “YES” it is.

I have to thank you for the sweet little innocent girl who doesn’t know what is happening or who cant even understand the pain what I was going through in the recent time,  was consoling me by asking me to go back to India or shall I arrange a visa for you in a different country…

I love it and want to say that this is the height of you innocence and want to say that I have the ability to stand on my own leg and to keep up my words as promised to you.

I love you sweet heart for the way you are the way we maintain our relationship so strongly but without any communications, I know that I miss you every now and then, but you don’t because you are always with me :). Thank you for not leaving me and for being with me.

This Special Thanks to the one whom I adore as my Dronacharya in all the aspect of my life (Professional and Personal), dedicating the year 2015 to Drive as per the aspirations what you feel that I could do in my life. Thank you for that Motivational words, ” I know you are good Rider, but I want you to DRIVE”, Only you have the privilege to say this and I will take it as Guidance for the changes what I am foreseeing in 2015. Thank you for being there for more than 9 years. Dronacharya – I am learning it.

I have not mentioned names of anyone here but I know for sure that you all know that whom I am referring to, that is the bondage what I have with you all.

Wishing you all a very Happy NEW YEAR 2015.

Tons of Love,

Tons of Happiness,

Tons of Joy,

Tons of Care

Tons of Health to enjoy the above all be with you.

Will continue the thanks for the year 2015 with new set of people, but you all will be there as part of my life forever.

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Face Book is not my Family

01st August 01:00 AM (I wonder how can I sit and write at this time, but when it is about my family, I can do it at anytime – a special blessing showered by god for the sake of my family)

What is the reason for me to write this is, my Face Book status messages are not the status of my mind; it is the status to be shared only for one or two of my extended family/friends. It is no way to hurt you guys or to say something indirectly to you. I have the guts to say it to my family what I feel on their face and they have the guts to correct me on my face and they have all the rights to scold me /correct me/advise me as you are the reason for my soul to live and love those who are around me. I am proud to say that you all love me more than what I deserve and I love others more than I deserve which is the reason for my pains.

Love of the family

In the recent times, whoever I have seen in my life, made to feel that they are not blessed with a nice family. Touch wood, I have a beautiful family who are the backbone of my life.

I failed many times in my life in almost all the aspects of life, but all the times, my family has been a big support for me all through my life. Tough times last but tough people do! My family knows whatever tough times comes to be it will not last forever and I get up as fast as I can and that is the blessings that I got from my family.

tough times-1I have heard parents being irresponsible, brothers being arrogant, sisters without communication and I have to say that how blessed I am to have a wonderful family around my neck.

What a lovely mother, I have got and blessed for being her daughter. When I was young, I have seen a couple (my mother’s colleague) who were not having any kids, and she used to hug me and asked me to stay with her. When I was being unhandled by mother or being harsh towards my rude or filthy activities or when I don’t get the required care from my mother, at times I used to think that I should have gone with them as an adopted daughter.

Unfortunately my mother poured her deep love for all of us equally and especially for me which made me to feel her love when I am at forty. I think I will think about her love even after 20 years and without her, I will feel that my life is empty even if I have 1000 relatives surrounded by me.

Whatever trust my mother has on me, I will keep it up till my death time even in her absence I will not go and do anything beyond her love sight. The way you have shown your love to me, I regret that I should have got a son or daughter to show what my mother has given it to me. I missed to take it to the next generation which is the only feeling which will hurt me and my mother forever.

About my sisters, how wonderful sisters I have got. They will give me up for some reasons, but not with a third person or even with their better halves.  I know the kind of respect what my sisters have for me is very high compared to the respect what I have for them and same way their love is very high compared to the way I show it to them.

I never have been a soft spoken sister to them and always I was a barking dog for them and a kind of dictator who wants to be listen by youngster. I have always shown an arrogant attitude towards the sisters who are ready to do anything for their sister sake. We will bark at each other like street dogs, but we are closely knitted and we have not given up ourselves in front of anyone. They will never ever let me down for anything or for anyone in their life. Even with our kids, we say that we love each other more than anything. A great blessings for our kids is to see our love and fights. We fight but we love, they also fight and they also love each other. A great treat to be enjoyed.

I have to scribble something about my father also, who has been a great motivator when I least deserve the support of the family. We don’t communicate much or I have to say I don’t have the habit of listening to anyone but when it comes to education or anything related to finance, we don’t do it without discussing with my father.  If at all we do anything without his knowledge everything will go in vain.

Anything related to investment is being taken care of him with utmost care and concern and a way to build our values with his values.

I don’t have brothers of my own, but I have my cousin brothers who are more trustworthy, who has the care and concern in a great way for me. Even those who have not visited my home, will give a visit when I am there.

I always used to say that my brother-in-law as the son for our family who owns or cares my house as their own and on whom I can depend for anything more than my sister. It is a heartfelt feeling for him and who will do the needful when the time comes him to take care of my family as like a son.

All my second level of relatives will feel me as part of their family and which is a great credit for anyone who loves to be loved. Whether I love them back or not is not a concern or a matter to them. But the love from my cousins or any relative matters a lot to me.

It is my 5th year in UAE and every year during end of Ramadan, I will be at home and from the first year till this year, my aunty used to call my home exactly on a Saturday before Ramzan to check whether I am at home to celebrate Eid. As she knows that I will club my weekends and the holidays and pay a visit to home. If I am there, she will try to come and meet me during my short span of time or she will ask me to visit me in aunts place.

The reason for sharing this is, in today’s world whoever I have seen are feeling that they are being neglected, not being cared, not given enough love to them by their families.

Miseries for the kids are only through parents. I have come across many stories in life, be it my personal or others, but the life’s problem starts when the kids lose the value for their parents.

When they don’t have the love of the parents, they lose everything in their life. It includes their education, age, life style, youth and they come across all sort of unhappy situations and they create a huge mess in the world because of their parent’s behaviors.

I live alone but I was never alone and the reason for the saying this is

“The loneliest people are the kindest, The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

Parents are the main source for the kids to come up with care & concern, culture, civilization and so on. If the parent’s doesn’t spend quality time with the kids, then there is 100% chance for the kid to go and search for the love outside the house and which eventually turn to betrayals or to get into unwanted relationships.

Why is it so? Was my mother not a working female?  How can I feel her love as great love, how can I feel that a father sitting at home for 36 years as a mentor for the family?

How can I feel happy about the sisters who have thrown me out of their life for few days/months/years for some reason as the best relations, because all these are connected with BLOOD and I love my blood;

Even I would have been harsh and rude to my family, but still they will say that She is Best because it is how we value our relationship. We value it based on our understanding.

Above all, it is all about the understanding of the relationship. We know that my mother was a working women. We can’t expect my mother to prepare a delicious meal for breakfast or for lunch or even for a dinner. We have given more value for what she has done by looking at her efforts provided by her to us.

I remember that when I was sick, I have to go to the clinic to consult the doctor all alone, but I felt it as a love of my mother, because the money what she has given to me is because of her hard work and we never felt that she was not by our side to take care of us. We know how difficult it is for a mother to leave her children at home and to go for work. If at all my father was not there to take care of us, she would have taken leave and would have been our side. He has done the role of a mother when we were sick.

She is mother of three children travelling more than 30 kms for her work, who used to spent minimum of 2.5 hours due to the poor transportation facilities during the year 1975-90’s.

Is there any logic for us to expect her to prepare a delicious meal when she comes back home at 9.30PM or 10.00 PM. She is a woman who struggled a lot in her life for the welfare of her children’s life.

In fact we have to feel pity for her and need to think her as an unfortunate mother who was not able to spend her time when her kids were sick or for their education purpose or for any parents teacher meetings.

She was not able to spend her quantity time with the kids, but she has spend most of her time to earn to provide a quality life style for her kids. Whatever we are today, it is because of the hard efforts given by her. She would not have had good meal or enough sleep for the sake of her kids.

Whatever quality of life or quality of love we have in us, is because of our mother and the way she used to handle things differently made us to cheer her for all her actions.

We have seen our mother as a very soft personality and a very dynamic person who earned her respect from every corner of the world because of her style, smile and soft tongue, which I am trying to do it but my sharp tongue will spoil it as always.  Respect is not given, it is earned is what I learned from my mother.

Ma, you are the best mother in the world and you deserve a big hug from all of us. I don’t even remember when you would have given that hug or a kiss. But we need you and your blessings all through our life.

Without all these wonderful members, I think I will feel my life as empty.

Grief – Pain of Death

What is Grief?

Grief is the term used to describe emotional responses to major losses. Bereavement, grief, and mourning are all terms used to describe the same thing: the intense pain that follows the loss of a loved one.

I remember this word was told by my best friend recently and she said to me, you are not shedding your tears for the one who cheated you, but you are grieving for your lost child. Yes she was correct. I would have taken the grief also happily, if the kid would have died but it killed everyone and it is enjoying its life.

Most shameful thing is that one for whom I am killing  me(my happiness, peace, health, wealth, good habits) also asked me a question, if I die what will you do? I told her, I am not a Muslim to pack my grief in 3 days and we will have grief for one year and at least I will have deep pain for a year. but I didn’t know that before her death itself she will give that pain to me.

I know I was attending my own funeral by killing my happiness

This time I am not going to write about someone who is living, and this is about someone who will live in the hearts of many/ those who know him.

Senthil MariappanA Supply chain management consultant whom I know through my ERP network and I have not seen him during his life time, who has considered me as his sister and we used to chat a lot before and after his marriage. Due to work pressure and work tension and other unwanted association, I stopped most of my communications with many good hearts and Senthil was one among them.

Today I regret for not chatting with him during the last 1 year time. Most of the time, I used to communicate with almost those who are known to me and I don’t keep too much gap in my communication.

Due to the restrictions of the Gmail access and other social networking access in most of the companies, I have not seen him in online for long time and I am not very good in calling and speaking to my friends. I prefer to have the networking only through Gtalk or through Facebook. I do call those who used to pick their phone to reach me. Somehow we didn’t develop this kind of communication within us. I regret for not doing this my friend.

I have constant communications with his friends and I have asked about this guy with another friend also.

Suddenly a new ID, asked for permission to add me, I thought it is from a person who made me stupid by all means as I am expecting something from him. So added and asked a rough question who is this?  He asked “Do you know Senthil, I told him I know many Senthil as my brother’s name is Senthil, a friend from Abu Dhabi is Senthil, and couple of more people as Senthil from ERP network.

Even before answering my question he said, he passed away in Andaman. I was shocked and he pasted the local newspaper content.News paper confirmed it happened on 17th March. Tears were flowing like anything because of thinking about his wife who was married two years back. There are some ugly characters living in this world, but god likes only good hearts. He gives more pain to those who are good and takes good people to his kingdom who are very soft and good.

I was shattered; I was unable to believe that he is no more. I was not able to believe it, but the newspaper message said that it is him and it has shown the license copy of my friend. He died because of a heart attack and at the age of 31. Oh god, you are giving stone heart to some people and so soft heart to good people? what is this my lord? why are you playing like this?

There are people who are asking you for death, there are people who are sinners, who are cheaters, who are betrayers, who live and suck others blood like an animal, and this guy is so soft, a good heart person and why you wanted his life to end so soon?

Anyway I was grieving for something and god is showing that these kind of things are happening in the world, don’t worry, good deeds and bad deeds doesn’t come with others deeds. It is based on their own deeds only.

Grieving Losses – Grieving the loss of someone whom we love will be there in our heart for a long very long period and it is very painful process. But there is still hope. That we will cope up and come back to normal.

Grieving from a loss and healing from that loss require one to examine and re-examine the place of a loved one or a relationship. This process, the grief stages, of getting used to life without someone close to you can take over a year to work through. Experts have compared the death of a child, for example, to what it feels like to lose a limb. It gets easier to cope as time goes on, but it still takes a long time to work through the stages of grieving.

It’s easy to formulate a theory or a process for your grief to work through; however, actually working through those stages of grieving proves much more difficult. We may have a lot of method to grief, and each method looks different for each person.

After all, some steps in the healing process are easier than others—some days are easier than others. Your relationship with your loved one was unique (as like her name); expect you’re grieving to be unique. The way of hurt is also unique, very deep and it is very difficult to get healed, but god has shown the ways.

My grief was not in coping with death which allows you to meet really supportive people, but the death of someone inside the heart. But this death of my friend really made me to feel that why should I grieve because god has not taken that life, and even if it happens I will not feel heartache this much because I know that she is an unworthy person.

This death of my friend has given me a lesson that I have to be supportive to those who lost him as a mentor, the person who shared this news with me has got my mail id from my friend(Senthil) saying that she is my sister, send your CV to her, she will help you.

Somehow this new friend has not shared his CV with me, but when I got the friend request from him, I was really in a different mood and I was feeling that someone is going to get killed by me.

Bereavement requires a grief support group. Somehow I have an aversion of death and I used to get ready for the people around me about their death well in advance so as I can take it up when I face the situation.

As you work through the death of a loved one, you need a place where you can vent, where you can be honest about grief and your emotions, and where you can move through the grief stages without fear or regret.

If we get ready to get the support for the grief, it can provide a really support of friends who identify with you at a very deep level. They can move beyond showing you sympathy to really empathizing with you. I can say that I got lot of support to come out of the grief, unfortunately I was not able to come out of the grief and the situation how I was has become grief to many people around me. With the existing pain I was in deep pain because all the lovable people around me are also suffering because of me.

Will I ever see my loved one again?” The bonds forged by shared experiences are the strongest bonds. And, as you struggle to find meaning in death and dying, realize you’re not alone.

Sometimes, the sadness may be an opportunity for us to return to faith in God or involvement in our religious system. The belief in an afterlife can really ease our minds when it is for others but when it comes to loss of family members or the death of a child it is really a difficult task to handle.

I was killing myself for the death of my unborn child is really painful because, it was not born to me, but it was in front of me, it was not my adopted child, it was not of my blood  and I just felt the feeling of a child through her and how could I come out of this heavenly feeling?

She is alive and I have to consider her as dead. How to grief for the one who is alive and need to feel that she is dead? How to control myself with this feeling? What kind of death you have shown to my kid god? Why did you give that feeling through her? If I don’t grief for this then for what I could grief and I will not be called as a human because I don’t show my grief out for any other things other than the people hurting me in this way.  

Normally When I grieve for someone deeply, I will think 100 times and Iw ill come out faster. This time my grief is not only because of the death of my child, but also because of self-pity and I was not able to forgive myself for allowing someone to play with my feelings and sentiments

What is the purpose of grief in our life? The other name of mine is Hope and Encouragement. The way I give my hope and encouragements are from me, and it is not from their strength, it is from my strength, I am giving them the life of hope.

My word of hope creates encouragement in them and they find the hope in front of their eyes through me. To give others hope, I must have the hope of living and leading the life happily. I can’t tell someone smile from heart, when I don’t smile. When I say something to others I have to follow and I don’t like to tell someone which I don’t follow. I am a follower and not a preacher.

Finding God and Your Grieving – Anything under God’s Control is never out of control, God will make a way even though there seems to be no way!

May of my friends suggested me to enter into spirituality, but for me it is a big problem that I can even think about god, when I am not happy. That means I pray to god only when I am happy and I can’t go to him to cure my pain or sorrow. It is not the time to embrace my god, because he knows that I am weak if he gives me trouble. He knows my strength, he knows my weakness, and if he is giving me some pain means, he knows that I need the strength to overcome this and he knows when to give that strength also to me.

I beg for others to god not for my weakness because that weakness was given by god, why should I go and beg him saying that give me strength. I will say, I know you are the creator, you are the screen play writer, you wanted me to go through this pain, I don’t know how long I have to go through this, but give me the serenity to understand that “Even this will pass away”. I am very weak mentally and only with you I am a very strong woman. You are my strength, I trust in you and I move with your guidance. Do whatever you want to do with me. If this is your wish and play, let me enjoy and suffer it.

You want me to curse someone, let me do it, you want me to feel someone as very bad human of this world, let me feel it, but don’t make me to hate her. If you say that, then there is no use of all my grief. I know god, with great difficulty only you made me to come out of that hell. But still why did you allowed me to enter into the hell.

The Hold books are real, authentic, genuine book– filled with the stories and thoughts of real people. I don’t prefer to get into religious sentiments when I am sad because our mind will not allow us to get in touch or to feel the divine.

I know it helps to convince us that our grief is just in our head. Your grief is real, your pain is actual, and there’s still the opportunity for true healing.

If you consider most prominent people from religious front, their life was filled with sorrow, much of their life they will be betrayed, cheated, or wanted to be killed by his opponents, close friends cheating, family taking revenge, but they will be able to devote their time to god. Somehow I have not come to that situation to devote my time to god because I was holding the unwanted things in my hand, head, heart…

To end whatever I am, it is the glory of my beloved parents, friends, siblings, family, surroundings and the heavenly father. I know only one thing is that I don’t go with the wind, but I go with guidance of my god. My trust and faith in you can’t be shattered because of this kind of painful moments. I know you will help me to recover, but it really took long time as I have not spent that much time also with her.

They all have turned me from my mourning into smiling, of course dancing is not possible and I lost every charm of my life with one world. 

God has put off my black days and hugged me with gladness through different and new people, when I was holding the pain of my life and in deep grief. Thanks for the support.

I praise the god for giving the serenity in marvelous splendid way to accept the truth and not to go silent to the cemetery.  Thank you for giving me the realization that I was digging my own burial ground and giving me the clarity that I am not for that. I thank you for providing so many wonderful hearts around me and sincerely praying to you to guide all of them in their special way and keep all of them under your shadow and within the reach of my heart.