Mistakes of My Life with you
Praying for you – I don’t know why god made me to feel that your smiles are not from heart. I came there to have a UAT session or to do an R&D in your smiles. I don’t know why I have to take all into my prayers. I didn’t know your name also when I started praying for you. May be I misunderstood your arrogant attitude as soft smile, anything can happen with god and he is the script writer and I acted.
It should have been a normal prayer and I said make her to smile from heart. I didn’t pray anything else. I don’t know that you will make me to smile from my heart as well.
Allowing myself to talk– I don’t keep any friendship or relationship within working environment. Especially with my own colleagues, I have not kept any friendship because it will lead to quarrel, gossip and the problems what all you have created in your environment. It is not I don’t want to, I don’t have time for all these shits because I have some purpose of my life. I love myself and I love my time to be dedicated for good things not in these kind of silly things.
Allowing myself to know about to you –It was after one year of my stay in your company. Till that time, I don’t need to know your name also. I don’t know when I saw you first also. I remember only the time of UAT sessions. Before that I don’t think I have seen your face also. Why did I see you? God you wanted me to know about her.
Accepting your Love – You may not remember that you are the first one to say that I love your writings and love you too. I was not flattened and I said thanks for your love. Because I don’t believe in words and I believe in action.
Flattened with your fake words – I should admit that you flattened me with your fake words. Prasthanam – oh god, the way you said it and the way I tried to find the meaning of it really you made me crazy and I allowed you to do it forever. I was a fool to think those words as real
Loving you – I don’t know you came into my life even before you said the above words without your knowledge you entered my life through my prayers. I hope it is not a sin to pray for others. When you started coming closer, I started feeling your words as real love. I started feeling that I am not showing my love for you even though I had it long time before I heard it from you.
Thinking you as a kid and saying it to you was the biggest sin of my life. I should not have shown my real feelings to you and I should not have admitted that I created this bond between us.
Asking Apologies to you – Without doing any mistakes and when you used to feel hurt because of your mistakes, I used to ask apologies to you saying that I made you to do this mistake, instead of saying that it is your mistake and please correct it. I tried to pacify all your mistakes and taken everything to my head and heart is my mistake or sin. I don’t know how to say that. But it is my problem, I should not blame you for it. Because I allowed you to play and you played well.
Showing my Love – I should have been a silent listener as I was during Nov-11 to Jan-12, I should not have shown anything to you. The more you came closer, I started feeling that god has given me you in my life as special relation. It was my mistake and I didn’t know that you have some other intentions or it is your habit to play with people feelings. When I felt that you are playing I should have avoided you.
Allowing you to conquer me– I allowed you to enter my outer circle first and I allowed you to enter into my inner circle was the biggest mistake, because I don’t know that I can get hurt so deeply by you. I know love will hurt and we discussed the same within a week also. Since you felt the same, I thought you will not give that pain to me.
Allowing you to take my respect me– When you said pode for the first time, I should have scolded or asked you to give respect and take respect and I allowed you to say anything and do anything. You made me fool of an ass, stupid, Idiot, crazy mad and finally to a dead person as well. When we allow someone to take the respect, that means we are allowing them to kill us. I lost my self-respect and without self-respect I have to consider myself as like a dead person only.
Allowing you to hurt me forever – This is the biggest mistake of my life, because normally I will not allow anyone to hurt me, if I get hurt I will give it back. Or at least I will leave them immediately. If you recall my personal story, you can understand that. If you have read my first content about you and my best friend, I said that I give my love by 100 folds and I give the same in hate also. I can’t hold anything for me.
Allowed you to Spent more time with your words and without your feelings –U know what all pains I have gone through in my life. Almost I shared everything about you. At least of 20 years of my life stories, I have shared with you. How can you play with my feelings even after knowing the whole of me? Whatever you said are just words only. Whether it is a good morning or get lost, we have to mean it and say it. That is the way I used to feel when we chat.
Allowed to Spent very less time to understand your feelings. As we spent all our day and nites in the messages, the original feelings was not known. May be you used the media to do your time pass, but I considered that you are spending your time whole heartedly with me. I have told you, I used to spend my time in Gtalk and I will have 10 windows open, but most of it will be of official talks, subject matters, knowledge sharing and rarely personal sharing.
Whereas with you, I have not given the time for others, when I chat with you was my mistake. Without knowing what you are doing, how you are doing, I should not have given that much importance to you.
We have not spent time together or we never got a chance to spent time to share our feelings as what normally we will feel to get it. I considered everything as reall with your words is my mistake only. I should not blame you for it.
Allowing you to live in me – Though we have not spent more time together or alone or to share the feelings I allowed you to live in me is a mistake from my side and I should not blame you because you didn’t do anything. You didn’t spend your time always, you spent your spare time with me, whereas I spent the time which is meant for some other purpose with you. It was purely my mistake. I should not have given that much importance to you.
Google Talk – You wanna see, the time from feb-12 to Apr-12 how many chat windows I got in my Gtalk? I used that Gtalk truly to communicate with all my friends, whereas from Feb to Apr, it was having only your content and every chat with 200 lines to 1500 lines…. How stupid I was to spend my time so carelessly with a younger person. I used to use the media for getting knowledge and sharing knowledge and I was chatting with you uselessly and made me useless today.
Forgetting the lesson learned – I know how much pain love will give and I have faced it and shared it with you as well. In spite of knowing the pain, I should not have given priority to you in my life, leaving all other priorities behind me.
Being in love and Loving someone – I know for sure for the first few months from November to January the love what I had for you was so good as I had no chance to communicate with you or it was a love that came on my own in my heart. Loving someone without knowing them or without even expressing it to them is something which will never ever give pain to us and it would have never. Being in love is like a beginning and it can go either way anytime. I was so happy loving you and being in love with you gave all the pain.
Your love is like Being in love with someone is when you love someone and the other loves you back. It is sort of like infatuation but to a deeper level. Being in love perhaps is being in a fantasy relationship.
Loving someone is caring for that person deeply without them loving you back. You can love your family, but it does not mean they love you. You care a great deal about the other person. It doesn’t mean that they have to love you. Love has different meanings in different situations.
Many times, I told you am not a trespasser or if you need trespasser, you will get so many in the world but I failed to feel that for you everyone and everything is passing clouds. We met and we part is what you wanted in life.
Over Love, Over Pain…..