Holding on & Letting Go

Hey,

I really don’t want to write about you and I want to stop thinking about you or to get hurt because of you. I came without seeing your face or without talking to you to show that I am very strong woman, nothing else in that. Moreover I know how strong you are also and I was damn sure that it will not impact you even 1% of pain what I was having. I was asked by my friends who care for me and wanted me in their life that I should not call you or meet you. I obliged it because they are all one of the reason for me to live till now.

Above all, the way you behaved on the day when I came there made me to return the gifts to you. You know that I was waiting down and you failed to speak to me. I purposely avoided you because you should know how it will hurt others when you do it purposely.

You wanted me to come back to you or what? I decided to return the gifts on 2nd Dec’2012 but your tears made me not to give it back and even Anantha told, don’t do it, she will feel hurt and you don’t hurt her please, only because of those words from him, I didn’t give that and took more pain for one more month.

I know you will not get hurt or even feel bad for it, because that is your character. I returned it to you with heart full of pain, because I don’t know how you gave it but I know what it means to me. 

If you are really feeling bad, then you would have picked the fone and called me. You will not damage your reputation or you will not do these kind of things. First try to understand what is bothering you.

Of course I will have bad feelings because for showing the real love, you gave me the pain of death. You don’t want me to show any care or love or concern to you. I moved away. Does it bothers you now? If so you have all the rights to question me directly, hey bloody nonsense, what are you doing? Why are you doing like this?  Don’t you know that I will pick the call when I hear the first ring??

If you are really hurt with my note and returned gifts also, you could have called me and asked Are you happy now?  Without doing anything and you want to show off that you are super a?

I am really upset because of the call from your boss and I am unable to give rest to my mind, because you made me as a reason for your resignation. How dare and in what way I made you to give resignation? What kind of cheap reason? Did I do anything to you in your professional life? How can you do this drama, when your father was in hospital, you came to office and you are saying that because of me, you are unable to concentrate? Some stupid can listen to it but am not the same old fool to feel that it is out of love. I know you were upset because of the words in it.

I know for sure you will not resign and I don’t know why your boss said these words to me as well. If you ask for leave he should give the leaves and sub ordinates will ask leave only for personal reasons not for official reasons. If he can’t give leaves, he needs to discuss it with you not with me.

God gave me the clarity that you will do anything to anyone. I was feeling bad that I wrote very strong note saying that you will walk on dead bodies for your success. I wrote it based on the things going around you and the way you were careless to correct it. I know how much I was feeling ashamed because of your attitude and character towards people. 

During the call, what you said that “you are feeling difference to face your colleagues”. Tell me who said what? I will fight with them if they have done something wrong with my name to you. I know for sure that no one will say anything because they all know what you mean to me and whatever I am going through is because of my stupidity. No one said anything about you, everyone scolded what did you see special in her and we all know what is she

 Do you really know what do you mean to them? As if you are very cordial to everyone and very pleasing to everyone. Are you of very helping nature, are you of soft nature with your colleagues? As if they all are showing their face against you because of me? What is this? For what this drama? Don’t you know what is your value among your colleagues

Above all, they all know that how much love I have for you and I will not hear anything from them. Even if they want to say, they will say with a quote “She can be your special person but not for us”. I told you that I have not allowed anyone to talk about you and I have stopped them as well. This time everyone got chance to talk because you gave that option to them. Your behavior, your attitude and your response to them made them to speak to me. 

You want to know what was my Best friend reaction…

On 3rd January, I didn’t see you and she felt so bad because she was the one who asked me to come to 7th floor to see her. I was not interested to come to 7th floor at all and I told her I will meet her outside Office. Oh god, I didn’t expect that you will do like this. Will you do the same with me? Yes I will do with all but not with her, but this time I have to do it because I have to bring back myself to the way I was.

When I was about to leave, she was literally feeling bad for the situation and she said I will call her and you speak to her. Don’t go back with so much pain. I told her, yes it is paining but I am happy to go without talking to her. I am sure that SH would not have called you for any reason other than official things. But for my sake she was ready to call you. How you will understand all this?

I told SH, that I don’t want any mediator to talk with her. If at all I want, I can do it directly & I would have done it in office on the day I came. I want to check my strength. Even now I love her like before and it will not change whether I share it with her or not. Whatever pain I have got, it will also be there. She scolded me for that also. Then you suffer… She said I wanted to slap you.  You are not the first one my SH, already many told that they want to slap me for the love what I have for her.

Hey, I think you are not feeling for this silly person, you are feeling this much for your lost child. She was right but I was not able to accept that my kid was dead. I was not able to respond to her that how you are feeling for your mother even after one year of death.

Anantha was saying that you call her and try to speak with her. I told him, I am giving a chance for her to say that I didn’t call her so she didn’t talk to me, I don’t want to call her and if she doesn’t pick the call, I have to go with more pain. Already the pain what I am carrying is going to kill me.

What did you say in the last call…

You don’t have any hard feelings? Good joke, First I wanted to know whether you have any feelings, if so you would not have let this situation to come. I do have hard feelings, because I love you and you don’t deserve even to be as a friend for me.

What did I tell about your parents? Did I scold them? Did I abuse them? No way. I said I feel ashamed for loving you, but why should I? Only your parents should feel it because you have got such a wonderful name in your circle. I thought at least for their name sake you will change your attitude but you are selfish to the core…..  I came with pain only, but I got more pain because I was not able to change even 1% of your character and I too was in a position to scold you only.

I have the guts to say this in front of your parents itself. If you have the guts give their number.

You are saying you will not forgive me… Only those who has love, can forgive people and only the hearts which beats with feelings, love, care and concern can forgive. All that glitters are not gold and all the hearts are not good hearts if it has no love.

You can’t forgive me? Who are you to forgive me? I don’t need to ask any forgiveness to you because I have asked without doing any mistakes. Whatever mistakes you have done, I have accepted all as my mistakes and I have asked sorry. Every time when I used to say sorry and it was my mistake I was killed and was thinking my self (EGO) is getting killed, but I lost my self-respect only. I used to feel like killed because saying sorry without doing any mistake is hell for me,  inside my heart I will say to myself when she will realize that it is her mistake?

I don’t know why your boss called me and what he tried to do, whether it was with your permission or without your knowledge. Whatever it is you gave a false reason that you are upset because of me. You are of not such a person to get upset especially because of me. If so you would have not let this situation to come in our life. 

When your boss called me, same day, I tried to call you and you didn’t pick the call and after that only I sent the mail to your boss saying that I can’t be the reason for your resignation. You didn’t pick the call and you are blaming me that I sent a mail to your boss. What does he knows about my relationship with you? I don’t want someone to talk about you and me without knowing anything. Whatever words he said I can’t take it lightly. (Over Love, Forgive, Friendship)

What for this drama, I am really surprised because when I was there you don’t have any feelings and all of a sudden you are upset. You didn’t tell him the things really bothered you na. You should have told him, she gave me a strong dose of note and it really pricks me.

If at all, if you resign and leave the job, I am the happiest person about it because you will have time for your personal life (I sent that mail to your gmail id as well). I did not say anything wrong in that mail.. including DON’T TRUST ANYONE is the lesson I learned from you. I didn’t say you are not trust worthy. I said I should not trust anyone. 

I don’t prefer to have any relationship with anyone after a small misunderstanding. If you recall, I had a misunderstanding with your boss, after that I never had any friendship talk with him. All were official only and that too only if it is required. He cleared the misunderstanding, but to be a friend there is something more required and I used to talk to him as a trespasser only.

Up to me I didn’t lose you because you were never real and only thing is I was cheated and betrayed by a female who is younger to me by 12 years. I have to accept the fact that you cheated me with all your drama’s. You can’t be real because you don’t know what is love.

Someone called me and said as your husband, I don’t know whether he is your husband or somebody playing in between you and me. But I have to trust that he is your husband, because of my faith in you that you will not do any cheap drama’s by giving my number to a third person to speak to me as your husband. If it is your husband, then again I am sorry to say this; he should have asked you first what is bothering instead of asking me what happened?

He said, he doesn’t want the friendship to end in between us like this. I told that it will end in me with my death. He doesn’t know that it didn’t start in your heart at all. I am the one who got hurt and she will not get hurt.

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It’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity.  Initially my heart was not broken because of you. The moment you said I am showing my real color, my heart got shattered. It is not easy to bring back my identity.

It’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. You killed a wonderful heart in the name of fake love.

One of my brother was nearby me and that was the reason for me to attend your husband’s call otherwise he would have been the first one to get the news of my death. You were lucky, god saved you. Mahesh called me and said I am waiting for you in front of your office. Your voice was not good and I felt something wrong with you, that’s why I came to see you Akka.

I don’t know that this guy can feel this much from my voice. He knows me for less than 3 months and this person can feel my pain and difference in my voice.  The moment he saw me, he said take the key and ride the bike. I want you to ride the bike. I don’t know how a flashing smile came in my face. While leaving my guest house, Mahesh gave me a passport foto and I was surprised to get it, because we have taken some foto’s together and I have with me in my mobile as well as in my laptop.

After reaching his home, he called and asked have you seen the foto, I said what is there in it, it is a passport size foto only na, he asked me to read the content what I have written at the back of the photo. “I missed so many things in life, I want you forever Akka”. I was so amazed to see the love from him, he knows that my world is full of love and the way I care for him is just a normal thing for me, but when he showed it, I felt like god took one from me and gave 1 dozen to me. I am always blessed and some curses of others might have touched me to learn it as a lesson.

God wanted me to live a long life that’s why he sent that brother to sit with me for 4 hours. I thought of jumping from the 8th floor. I used to be so careful that I don’t want to get hurt. I used to pray that I have to die with the natural health given by god, without any surgery or without any bone damage. I am so much conscious about my health and I was ready to jump from 8th floor.Normally I used to feel that my death also has to be history and I wanted my death to happen in my area only.  Above all I can’t die when I am SAD.

For the pain and plays what you have done with me, almost everyone asked your number… I told you earlier that the doctor who was giving treatment asked me to give your number, gee asked whether shall I talk to her, Anantha asked I will speak to her today and other friends also wanted to talk to you… I didn’t allow anyone to talk to you because I don’t need you to understand my pain through others.

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Normally I will not hold because holding hurts and it will spoil the past days as well. I tried to hold you were just not to make sure that I tried to hold you and only I tried to hold you. You were ready to fly that was the biggest mistake with me trying to hold you.

Rarely I used to feel that may be I was little hasty in giving up the people. May be they are good and I am understanding them wrongly. The More I tried to hold you the worst it happened. At least I would have got the feelings as pleasant, but as I tried to hold you for more time with pain, it got spoiled. My Love seemed to be so cheap for you. Sometimes holding on makes us stronger but I realized that holding you made me so weak and I thought it is time for me to let you go.

I don’t need to patch up the broken relationship. I don’t like to do it also. Once broken is broken only. Even if I try to patch up, the originality will not be there. When I came on 2nd December, if I would have returned the gift to you and If I would have turned my face as like you did, at least I would have got the old days as pleasant, now it looks so ugly and pathetic only for which I am feeling bad.

Honestly, I feel really stupid for holding on to things that just keep on hurting me which is unusual in me. You know from when it was hurting. When I got the first message from you as Sorry for hurting you. or when I shed my first tears because of your mistakes, I should have let it go.

                                                                                       Do I need to hold you with so much pain?  

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