Archive | January 2013

Am not Fake

am not perfect-not fake

 

I have to say that I was never fake and I will never be able to be fake and if someone finds me as fake, I will give up my life, because I know the pain of being fake.

moving on

I have to move  on because I don’t have any other option. I tried all the ways and I can’t hold it anymore. Holding you has killed me and only the part of you is in me and it will live in me as I want you to be….

you lost me

I am sure that you will not feel for it, but I do feel because I lost myself………..

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Holding-Stronger-Happier

Holding on is being brave, but letting go and moving on is often what makes us stronger and happier.

Many of us used to say that we have to let go people who doesn’t like to be with us. Even I agree with it, sometimes people will go out of us, just because we allowed them to go. Often they will say that you didn’t try to hold me, so I left.
Definitely, I am supposed to leave you long time back, but I don’t want to regret in future or I don’t want to hear from you that you allowed me to go and you didn’t care when I wanted to leave you. Now I have not given that chance also to you to leave me. Because I was the only one who tried to hold you for so long time. Tell me in the below how many I have done with you and tried to hold you…

Here are the signs and we should not allow anyone to hurt us or to get hurt because of us. and it is the high time to let go:

BE WHO YOU ARE , Someone expects you to be someone you’re not. Don’t change who you are for anyone else.  It’s wiser to lose someone over BEING WHO YOU ARE, than to keep them by being someone you’re not.  I know I will not hold someone for long time when I feel that they are going to kill the originality of myself. I want to be as I AM and I can’t change my attitude of giving love, care, concern for anyone. It is an inborn attitude and even if I try not to do it, I can hold only for some time, and if I can’t give my helping hands when someone needs it or when I can’t give the love on the spot to someone who deserves it, that will give me a guilty feeling.

I can give up any of my bad qualities for others, but not my good qualities for anyone. Some of Passions are like Giving Love, Helping others, Working, Reading, Writing, Watching Movies, Biking, Cycling, Religion & Faith, Being Vegetarian are some of it which I will not change for anyone.

I am not a preacher, I am a follower. Whatever I read, I follow and Whatever I do, I do it from heart. Whether it is love or Hate.

WORDS are powerful but ACTIONS PROVES – When a person’s actions don’t match their words. Everybody deserves someone in their life to help them to look forward tomorrow. If someone needs you then give them your hand and make their today and tomorrow best. If someone has the opposite effect on you, because they are consistently inconsistent and their actions don’t match up with their words, we should know that it is time to let them go.  It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  True friendship is a promise made in the heart – silent, unwritten, unbreakable by distance, and unchangeable by time.  Don’t listen to what people say; watch what they do.  Your true friends will slowly show themselves over time.

LOVE IN PAST- If someone says I gave the love to you truly in the past. Think of those time what I spent with you was real and now I am unable to give, better erase them from your mind and memory because they were never real and what they say today also will change because they know only to confuse people not to get convinced or be contented with what they have. up to me there is no love called as love in past or love in parts or love in portions..

Love is Always and forever… Even when you say someone you hate, that is also Love because your heart wants not to think about them, but mind will always keep them safely saying that it hates so as the heart can relax and feel cool. Ultimately the love from heart only makes them to hate from mind.

FORCING SOMEONE TO LOVE – You make problems for yourself forcing someone to love you. – Let us keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to love us.  We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave.  That’s what love is all about – freedom.  However, the end of love is not the end of life.  It should be the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson

REAL or FAKE DOUBTS  – If someone truly loves you, they will never give you a reason to doubt it.  Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you, but it takes someone really special to stay in your life and prove how much they love you.  Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait.

INTIMATE FRIEND – Sometimes you might consider someone as close, but we should know how that other person feels about us. If an intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction will leave you and those who see the beauty of heart will be with you always. 

Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little chances that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.

Don’t cry for the one who left you or who is not trying to hold you, because they were not to be destined in your life to enjoy the goodness of your heart. May be they entered your life by seeing the external beauty. If they are blessed with internal beauty, they would have seen the internal beauty of your heart and those who see it will never allow it to shed tears or break it into pieces.
BREAKING TRUST – Someone continuously breaks your trust. – Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to – It is the faith that you have in the,.  When you completely trust a person, without any doubt, you’ll automatically get one of two results – A Good Human for life or a LESSON for life.  Either way there’s a positive outcome.  Either you confirm that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do.  In the end you’ll discover who’s fake, who’s true, and who would risk it all for you.  And trust me, some people will totally surprise you with their attitudes, looks….which you will never be able to feel whether it is real or fake and they will not allow you to do anything like neither they will love you nor they will allow you to leave them.

KNOW YOUR WORTH – Someone continuously overlooks your worth When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back.  There comes a point when you have to let go and stop chasing some people.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll find a way to put you there.  Sometimes you just need to let go and accept the fact that they don’t care for you the way you care for them.  Let them leave your life quietly.  Letting go is oftentimes easier than holding on.  We think it’s too hard to let go, until we actually do.  Then we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?” I should have done this long time back at least by this time, I would have got peace and happiness back in my life.

SPEAK FROM MIND – Give a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes an argument saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it I tried to hold you for no reason and tried not to hurt you with my words and killed myself. It is better to speak up for our hearts so that we won’t have regrets.  Life is about making others happy but not at the cost of our life.  Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with others. Yea I know her silence torn me in to pieces and I am still not in a place to rebuild myself. Neither she is ready to accept the love, nor to show the love. Neither she is ready to leave nor is she ready to be in. Main problem for me in the relationship was she was not ready to speak anything. SILENCE is Silver but not always and it will KILL the person who looks for the words or arguments from you.

SACRIFICE HAPPINESS – You are often forced to sacrifice your happiness in the sense that you will get hurt and you might not feel happy in getting hurt or in the sacrifice but you will be doing it. After some time, you will feel that you have that relationship in you because you were able to do the sacrifice, when we need to give up the relationship, we will feel more pain and it will lead to severe wreckage because the reason for our sacrifice is we want the relationship not thinking that we have to give up.

I love to give the happiness and make others to smile. But when I am unable to give that happiness to my other fellow-man or to my friends that means I am lacking something. When I am not happy, how can I give that to someone? I get love from one and I give it to the other. The other person doesn’t know to accept the love or to give it back. If I allow it to happen continuously, I will be losing the one because the love what I get from others, is not being given to them in the way they are giving it to me.
SELF RESPECT – Love is like a Savings Bank Account – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative before you know it.  Know when to close the account.  It’s always better to be alone with dignity than in a relationship that constantly requires you to sacrifice your happiness and self-respect. Maintain your dignity in love, there is no love without faith, trust & care.

HATE YOURSELF – You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to be a failure at something you love than to succeed at doing something you hate.  Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk to you out of going after yours.  The best thing you can do in life is follow your heart.  Take risks.  Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen.  If you do, nothing will ever happen.  I tried making the changes but since I am true and loyal and I was not able to leave my company because I was on leave for 3 months and my company has paid me for all the 3 months. Even though it is of annual leave and medical leave, they were ready to pay me and not ask me to get out of the company.

LIVING IN THE PAST – You think more and catch yourself obsessing over and over, and living in the past. – I don’t like to cry and shed tears. I don’t like to look back and see what happened and who made me to shed tears. I do look back for those who made me of what I am today. I am grateful to them and I have to be thankful even to those who made me to shed tears. Otherwise I would not have come to this level because of which I came to know the real & fake people and the difference between good and bad.

NOT EASY It is not easy to come out but eventually we will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons what made us to cry and who caused the pain.  Sooner we will realize that the secret to happiness and freedom is not about holding or control or revenge, but in letting things unfold naturally, and learning from your experiences over the course of time.  After all, what matters most is not the first, but the last chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.

FIRST FEELING is always first feeling and but we can’t stick on to it when it gives pain and when it hurts you more and what is the use of holding it? It is better to let it go and live peacefully than living like a dead person or thinking to kill ourselves.So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of new relationships and priceless experiences.  Open your mind for new relationship only if you are comfortable to get the same hurt once again because it is not easy to get hurt again and again. A broken heart knows how painful it is for them to give pain to the other heart since the person who comes in your life has a new relation might not know it and even then they will hurt you knowingly or unknowingly.

HOPE- Start a new beginning And the one thing you should never let go of is hope.  Remember what you deserve and keep pushing forward.  Someday all the pieces will come together.  Unimaginably good things will happen in your life, even if everything doesn’t turn out exactly the way we expected. People will say that when we look back at the times that have passed, smile, and we will ask ourselves that , “How did I get through all of that?” But as far as my personal experience is concerned I have not tried to hold on anything in my life and I set everything to go… There is a chance for the person who hurt you to come back to you with a fresh heart and don’t feel that they will not change as Changes are inevitable and only thing which we can have hope is that change. Changes can happen in any hearts. Give room for the other person to change and to come to you. Don’t be in hurry to look for a new relation. We never know what is going in the other heart

TOUGH TIME- It is little tough this time to let it go because got more hurt and thought that the person is worth of giving the hurt to me, but holding it and taking more hurt and giving more hurt to the other person is going to be hell for both of us. When I want you to let it go, I feel that I should have done it long time back and the pain has made all the damages to  of me. this is what will happen when we hold with pain. It was just a time frame between life and death and I know that even this will pass away if I am alive. I  trust and faith in God. Above all he is the one wants me to let it go…. I will stand up and run again as like before, it might take some time, but I will be okay and I will not give up myself for silly reason.

Mistakes of My Life

Mistakes of My Life with you

Praying for youI don’t know why god made me to feel that your smiles are not from heart. I came there to have a UAT session or to do an R&D in your smiles. I don’t know why I have to take all into my prayers. I didn’t know your name also when I started praying for you. May be I misunderstood your arrogant attitude as soft smile, anything can happen with god and he is the script writer and I acted.

It should have been a normal prayer and I said make her to smile from heart. I didn’t pray anything else. I don’t know that you will make me to smile from my heart as well.

Allowing myself to talkI don’t keep any friendship or relationship within working environment. Especially with my own colleagues, I have not kept any friendship because it will lead to quarrel, gossip and the problems what all you have created in your environment. It is not I don’t want to, I don’t have time for all these shits because I have some purpose of my life. I love myself and I love my time to be dedicated for good things not in these kind of silly things.

Allowing myself to know about to youIt was after one year of my stay in your company. Till that time, I don’t need to know your name also. I don’t know when I saw you first also. I remember only the time of UAT sessions. Before that I don’t think I have seen your face also. Why did I see you? God you wanted me to know about her.

Accepting your LoveYou may not remember that you are the first one to say that I love your writings and love you too. I was not flattened and I said thanks for your love. Because I don’t believe in words and I believe in action.

Flattened with your fake words I should admit that you flattened me with your fake words. Prasthanam – oh god, the way you said it and the way I tried to find the meaning of it really you made me crazy and I allowed you to do it forever. I was a fool to think those words as real

Loving you – I don’t know you came into my life even before you said the above words without your knowledge you entered my life through my prayers. I hope it is not a sin to pray for others. When you started coming closer, I started feeling your words as real love. I started feeling that I am not showing my love for you even though I had it long time before I heard it from you.

Thinking you as a kid and saying it to you was the biggest sin of my life. I should not have shown my real feelings to you and I should not have admitted that I created this bond between us.

Asking Apologies to youWithout doing any mistakes and when you used to feel hurt because of your mistakes, I used to ask apologies to you saying that I made you to do this mistake, instead of saying that it is your mistake and please correct it. I tried to pacify all your mistakes and taken everything to my head and heart is my mistake or sin. I don’t know how to say that. But it is my problem, I should not blame you for it. Because I allowed you to play and you played well.

Showing my Love – I should have been a silent listener as I was during Nov-11 to Jan-12, I should not have shown anything to you. The more you came closer, I started feeling that god has given me you in my life as special relation. It was my mistake and I didn’t know that you have some other intentions or it is your habit to play with people feelings. When I felt that you are playing I should have avoided you.

Allowing you to conquer meI allowed you to enter my outer circle first and I allowed you to enter into my inner circle was the biggest mistake, because I don’t know that I can get hurt so deeply by you. I know love will hurt and we discussed the same within a week also. Since you felt the same, I thought you will not give that pain to me.

Allowing you to take my respect meWhen you said pode for the first time, I should have scolded or asked you to give respect and take respect and I allowed you to say anything and do anything. You made me fool of an ass, stupid, Idiot, crazy mad and finally to a dead person as well. When we allow someone to take the respect, that means we are allowing them to kill us. I lost my self-respect and without self-respect I have to consider myself as like a dead person only.

Allowing you to hurt me foreverThis is the biggest mistake of my life, because normally I will not allow anyone to hurt me, if I get hurt I will give it back. Or at least I will leave them immediately. If you recall my personal story, you can understand that. If you have read my first content about you and my best friend, I said that I give my love by 100 folds and I give the same in hate also. I can’t hold anything for me.

Allowed you to Spent more time with your words and without your feelingsU know what all pains I have gone through in my life. Almost I shared everything about you. At least of 20 years of my life stories, I have shared with you. How can you play with my feelings even after knowing the whole of me? Whatever you said are just words only. Whether it is a good morning or get lost, we have to mean it and say it. That is the way I used to feel when we chat.

Allowed to Spent very less time to understand your feelings. As we spent all our day and nites in the messages, the original feelings was not known. May be you used the media to do your time pass, but I considered that you are spending your time whole heartedly with me. I have told you, I used to spend my time in Gtalk and I will have 10 windows open, but most of it will be of official talks, subject matters, knowledge sharing and rarely personal sharing.

Whereas with you, I have not given the time for others, when I chat with you was my mistake. Without knowing what you are doing, how you are doing, I should not have given that much importance to you.

We have not spent time together or we never got a chance to spent time to share our feelings as what normally we will feel to get it. I considered everything as reall with your words is my mistake only. I should not blame you for it.

Allowing you to live in me – Though we have not spent more time together or alone or to share the feelings I allowed you to live in me is a mistake from my side and I should not blame you because you didn’t do anything. You didn’t spend your time always, you spent your spare time with me, whereas I spent the time which is meant for some other purpose with you. It was purely my mistake. I should not have given that much importance to you.

Google TalkYou wanna see, the time from feb-12 to Apr-12 how many chat windows I got in my Gtalk? I used that Gtalk truly to communicate with all my friends, whereas from Feb to Apr, it was having only your content and every chat with 200 lines to 1500 lines…. How stupid I was to spend my time so carelessly with a younger person. I used to use the media for getting knowledge and sharing knowledge and I was chatting with you uselessly and made me useless today.

Forgetting the lesson learnedI know how much pain love will give and I have faced it and shared it with you as well. In spite of knowing the pain, I should not have given priority to you in my life, leaving all other priorities behind me.

Being in love and Loving someone – I know for sure for the first few months from November to January the love what I had for you was so good as I had no chance to communicate with you or it was a love that came on my own in my heart. Loving someone without knowing them or without even expressing it to them is something which will never ever give pain to us and it would have never. Being in love is like a beginning and it can go either way anytime. I was so happy loving you and being in love with you gave all the pain.

Your love is like Being in love with someone is when you love someone and the other loves you back. It is sort of like infatuation but to a deeper level. Being in love perhaps is being in a fantasy relationship.

Loving someone is caring for that person deeply without them loving you back. You can love your family, but it does not mean they love you. You care a great deal about the other person. It doesn’t mean that they have to love you. Love has different meanings in different situations.

Many times, I told you am not a trespasser or if you need trespasser, you will get so many in the world but I failed to feel that for you everyone and everything is passing clouds. We met and we part is what you wanted in life.

Over Love, Over Pain….. 

திருமண நாள்

ஆறு ஆண்டுகால அனுபவத்தில், கடந்து வந்த பாதைகள்தான் எத்தனை..எத்தனை என்று தான் சொல்ல வேண்டும் நீங்கள் இருவரும் அருகருகே ஆறு வருடங்கள் இருந்திருந்தால்…

IMG_20130117_171945

IMG_20130117_171933

இந்த ஆண்டு முதல்

இறைவன் அருளால்

நீங்கள் இருவரும்

அருகருகே இருந்து

இன்பமோ துன்பமோ

லாபமோ நட்டமோ

இன்று போல என்றும்……

உனக்காக உன்னவளும்

உனக்காக உன்னவனும்

என்று தொடங்கி

நமக்காக நாங்கள்

என்று ஆசையோடும்

அன்போடும் அசைபோடும்

இன்னாள், நன்னாள்

இது ஒரு பொன்னாள்…

ஆம் இது உங்கள் திருமண நாள் …

இந்நாள் போல

எந்நாளும் மலர

வாழ்த்த கூறும் நிலையில் நான் இல்லை அதனால் பிரார்த்தனைகள் செய்கிறேன் உனக்காக…..

Over Pain

Love is painful only when it is not shared perfectly or properly. Love is more painful when we share it to a wrong person or when we share it to the one who don’t deserve it

Love is a game for you, and without knowing what it is, if you play, it will hurt not only others, it will hurt you as well. I took all the pains from week 1 till today. Unknowingly and knowingly I too have given some pains to you. I am sorry for it. I really mean it. I don’t have any grudges but I have the pain. All the pains I have given is because the pain what I have gone through is over the limit.

OVER PAIN made me to give those pains to you.  

I can define what is over pain to you my dear.

Over Pain is something which you can’t bear it. When you control all your emotions not to hurt the other person, there will be a limit and when it crosses more than that and since they suppress all their emotions, it will burst out and they can’t control it. It is like the Earthquakes and Valcanoes. Funny I gave over love to you and I got the gift of over pain from you…

Unknowingly – I gave this Pain to you.

When your father was sick, I scolded you badly saying that I don’t want to listen your crap, you don’t know the meaning of life and death. Did I speak for my father’s sake? He is your father and you only sent the message that he is having chest pain from morning, I may need to take him to hospital after IFTAR, pray for him. After reading this message anyone who has a heart will say bloody idiot take him immediately to the hospital.

When I read your message and tried to call you, you didn’t pick the call and all of us (my team) were worried about your father. Why we have to worry for him? Neither we know him nor have we seen him. It is basic courtesy when a person is suffering from heart problem, immediate attention is required. You will take him to hospital after 2 hours and because of your carelessness nothing should happen for him. I would have felt the same even with my enemy also. You were not my enemy that time, how do you want me to react my dear wow fantastic, what a love you have for your father. Great may your Allah bless you because you all kept the fasting and waited for IFTAR. Do you want me to praise you like this? Luckily nothing happened to your father, if he would have got sudden attack or something negative would have happened, I have to kill myself for keeping quite??

It is not because your father, this is humanity and you will not know what is humanity because you were able to sit and pray at home.

I don’t know what for you bought the ring for me and gifted it and the above incident happened within two days and I scolded you with all my love and in a feeling that you are mine. When I can take your gift as token of your love and do you think I don’t have any rights to scold you? I have to scold you at that moment only not after 10 days or 20 days. What did I ask you, you will do the same thing with everyone?

In Love people have all the rights to scold you, correct you, warn you, irritate you, if required to slap you also. How you will know this na? Neither do you know to love nor to give respect to others. You need love, respect, trust, faith, honor from everyone but you will not give anything to anyone and you will feel proud to be a selfish.

You are keeping this in your heart as grudge? Or just informed your husband that this hurts you more and not telling the real thing which hurt you more? Even now I am thinking positively that she don’t want to say the real hurt to him. That is called as love.

Now I returned the gift to you, I don’t have any rights to scold you, please forgive me, I was wrong because it was your father and you know what to do, I am sorry for scolding you. Whether you want him to live a long life or to suffer with pain is your responsibility. I don’t care who is he – I can’t say this because he is in my daily prayers as your father itself.

This is my heartfelt apologies, because I scolded a stranger and who doesn’t mean anything to me. I can scold a friend, daughter, sister, mother, father, brother or any relation but I am not supposed to scold a stranger

Will you be HAPPY NOW, I want you to be happy always. BE HAPPY…

Knowingly – I gave this Pain to you.

Love is so lovely feeling when it is shared with a right person, who enjoys it. Love makes people so vulnerable.

Unlike you, I have not shown my love to hurt you or it is just a symbol of care and concern only. I will write separately why I tried to hold you because the world should get the clarity and I have to get the serenity. I didn’t do anything purposely to hurt you till 3rd January’2013.

I came to UAE for my visa renewal process only and I didn’t come either to see you or purposely to hurt you. I decided to give up my love when I realized that you acted well on 2nd Dec’2012. Neither I felt love in your eyes nor did I feel so happy in that gift. I really took that because you said it is from your mom.  I was betrayed with your crocodile tears. I should not have seen you on that day itself. As per my plan, I should have given the ring to you through Anantha…

If I would have given the ring on 2nd December at least I would not have written a dirty note to you. After reading a lot about Islam and the punishments for hurting others knowingly only I gave that to you. Because I didn’t hurt you knowingly, you said you have done everything knowingly to get more love from me.

I don’t know in that one month what all drama’s happened in your life, but whatever I heard from my friends about you were disgusting. I was really shocked and I was beaten by hammers by each and every one.

By giving one more gift, you created a huge gap in my heart because if you would have bought it with real love, you would not have deleted my ID. If you would have bought it from your heart as a gift for my birthday, you would have called me on that day not as a first call at least as a last call. That call means a lot to me not your fake gifts. Even then I didn’t give up and it was my mistake. After that also how you can use the fake words…….

Everyone asked me has she called you? I said I didn’t get her call. Do you know how much painful it was? You will not know because neither you have shown real love nor seen real love.  I was feeling ashamed of you because how a person can be like this. When Anantha asked me, how you are bearing it, I said all the wishes from all others were like my condolence’s for me. I was not able to celebrate it in spite of being at home.

I wrote a lengthy note and definitely you can’t take that pain and I made everything as cut short and gave a little note only. It is not to hurt you, but to make you understand what kind of pain you have given to the people around you. But you will not know it because only people with feelings will know it. You are just arrogant female who will never know it.

I lost faith in you and I started asking my Sai, Shall I ping her, I got NO only, Shall I send a mail to her, I got No, Shall I inform her that I am going to come to UAE, I got No. When I was in UAE, Shall I call her I got no, I myself got a doubt whether I wrote Yes/No or only No. When I asked to send the gifts with note, I got yes and even I got a blessing as well, whatever has to happen will happen and it is as per your destiny. It was god’s Decision and I believe in him.

I avoided his decision once in Mar-12 and paying the price now, When you disconnected the call and said your brother came, that time I got deep hurt and pain. When I asked him, Shall I talk to her, I got No only. But I tried to keep up the relationship without thinking anything.

Whatever Apologies I have asked to you from week1 were not to show that you are great, to show that I want you to learn to say sorry’s even if you are not wrong, because saying sorry is going to keep the other heart feel that they are the one who has done mistake and you give importance to them to keep up the relationship.

I don’t know in less than one year of time how many sorry you would have said, but nothing from heart. If so I don’t need to write my painful stories with you.

Normally I showed my attitude and I showed my real and true love from heart. I didn’t change it even 1% even after knowing your attitude. Then I realized that I have to show what you deserve only to you. I stopped to ping you. It was really painful. I lost 5kgs of my weight, not because I didn’t ping you, because my love succumbed inside me.

Only the way you reacted and the gap what I tried to give from my side, made me to realize that holding you is waste of time and I have lost few good months by holding you. I am not like you to sit in the bedroom and dwell in my dream-world.

I am a creator and I love to make people Happy, Smile, bring in some Joy, Happiness in their life. That was the mistake from me because why I have to try the above with you. I tried the same with my best friend, I don’t have any hurts because of her. I know that she is like that, she will not say to me anytime that I am showing my REAL Color to you, because she is showing me her real color from Day1.

I have given some pain to her because of your reactions. I have shown all my anger of holding you to my family, kin & kith, friends.

One thing is for sure that I should not have shown any love or care of kindness towards you because of your basic attitude itself. When I got hurt for the first time, I should have let you go. Holding you for nothing was my mistake.

God only gave me the instinct and I don’t know why he gave that instinct to me, whether to make me to feel that I will get only this kind of daughter if I go for adoption or to make me feel for the one I lost in my early stages of my life. I have not felt bad for anything in my life other than loving you.

Unknowingly or Knowingly Pain

I really don’t know whether I said those words to you knowingly or unknowingly. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but out of hurt and the pain, it came out of my mouth. I really felt bad for saying it to you. I didn’t say that you should not have kids and I said first learn what is love and let the kid not suffer with you. It is out of frustration only. I didn’t feel bad because of uttering those words, but I felt bad because I said it when you asked me to pray for you. I should not have said that at that time. Even now I feel only because that I said it when you asked me to pray. I don’t feel for the words.

I really meant not to hurt you. I said in ways that “First know what is love and how to show love” Don’t give the pain to your kid or don’t make the kid to feel for mother’s love. When you don’t know what love is, how you can show motherliness to your kid. I know the way you used to repel for each and everything. You will do with your kid also. But I said it because of the pain what you gave to me.

Having kids is not a big deal, but to be honest, I sent a message also to you that if I die now, I will be born as your kid again. After your husband’s call, only thing came to my mind is why I should get a mother like you, when I have a lovely mother for me and this made me to stop thinking about killing myself. If I commit suicide, it is a curse and I have to suffer in my next birth. Already I suffered by thinking you as my kid. I am facing the punishment and I myself know how wild you are and why I should get you as my mother? Just to make you happy to have a kid, god will give someone else. Why I have to suffer in my next birth as a kid to you na?

Why should I suffer in my next birth also? I thought that it will be a blessing for you to have a kid, but it will be a curse for me, if I die and be born as a kid to you.

All kids are to be born as blessings to their parents but time will decide whether that kid has got a wonderful parent or not. I am blessed in this birth and I don’t want to give any pain to my mother whenever I get hurt or want to commit suicide, I will think that how bold she is. I am blessed with a good mother, with good deeds, with good people around me. I will not die for a silly stupid female who doesn’t deserve or who has not done that much to feel for her or to die for her.

I have some special people in my life, for whom I want to be born as a daughter. Already you are the biggest mistake of my life and why I have to take it to my next birth. I have some wonderful people to come with me in all my births and definitely you are not one among them.

A Stranger is always a stranger. Neither I know much about you nor I wish to know in future. This is my heartfelt apologies, because I scolded a stranger and who doesn’t mean anything to me. I can scold a friend, daughter, sister, mother, father, brother or any relation but I am not supposed to scold a stranger. 

Holding on & Letting Go

Hey,

I really don’t want to write about you and I want to stop thinking about you or to get hurt because of you. I came without seeing your face or without talking to you to show that I am very strong woman, nothing else in that. Moreover I know how strong you are also and I was damn sure that it will not impact you even 1% of pain what I was having. I was asked by my friends who care for me and wanted me in their life that I should not call you or meet you. I obliged it because they are all one of the reason for me to live till now.

Above all, the way you behaved on the day when I came there made me to return the gifts to you. You know that I was waiting down and you failed to speak to me. I purposely avoided you because you should know how it will hurt others when you do it purposely.

You wanted me to come back to you or what? I decided to return the gifts on 2nd Dec’2012 but your tears made me not to give it back and even Anantha told, don’t do it, she will feel hurt and you don’t hurt her please, only because of those words from him, I didn’t give that and took more pain for one more month.

I know you will not get hurt or even feel bad for it, because that is your character. I returned it to you with heart full of pain, because I don’t know how you gave it but I know what it means to me. 

If you are really feeling bad, then you would have picked the fone and called me. You will not damage your reputation or you will not do these kind of things. First try to understand what is bothering you.

Of course I will have bad feelings because for showing the real love, you gave me the pain of death. You don’t want me to show any care or love or concern to you. I moved away. Does it bothers you now? If so you have all the rights to question me directly, hey bloody nonsense, what are you doing? Why are you doing like this?  Don’t you know that I will pick the call when I hear the first ring??

If you are really hurt with my note and returned gifts also, you could have called me and asked Are you happy now?  Without doing anything and you want to show off that you are super a?

I am really upset because of the call from your boss and I am unable to give rest to my mind, because you made me as a reason for your resignation. How dare and in what way I made you to give resignation? What kind of cheap reason? Did I do anything to you in your professional life? How can you do this drama, when your father was in hospital, you came to office and you are saying that because of me, you are unable to concentrate? Some stupid can listen to it but am not the same old fool to feel that it is out of love. I know you were upset because of the words in it.

I know for sure you will not resign and I don’t know why your boss said these words to me as well. If you ask for leave he should give the leaves and sub ordinates will ask leave only for personal reasons not for official reasons. If he can’t give leaves, he needs to discuss it with you not with me.

God gave me the clarity that you will do anything to anyone. I was feeling bad that I wrote very strong note saying that you will walk on dead bodies for your success. I wrote it based on the things going around you and the way you were careless to correct it. I know how much I was feeling ashamed because of your attitude and character towards people. 

During the call, what you said that “you are feeling difference to face your colleagues”. Tell me who said what? I will fight with them if they have done something wrong with my name to you. I know for sure that no one will say anything because they all know what you mean to me and whatever I am going through is because of my stupidity. No one said anything about you, everyone scolded what did you see special in her and we all know what is she

 Do you really know what do you mean to them? As if you are very cordial to everyone and very pleasing to everyone. Are you of very helping nature, are you of soft nature with your colleagues? As if they all are showing their face against you because of me? What is this? For what this drama? Don’t you know what is your value among your colleagues

Above all, they all know that how much love I have for you and I will not hear anything from them. Even if they want to say, they will say with a quote “She can be your special person but not for us”. I told you that I have not allowed anyone to talk about you and I have stopped them as well. This time everyone got chance to talk because you gave that option to them. Your behavior, your attitude and your response to them made them to speak to me. 

You want to know what was my Best friend reaction…

On 3rd January, I didn’t see you and she felt so bad because she was the one who asked me to come to 7th floor to see her. I was not interested to come to 7th floor at all and I told her I will meet her outside Office. Oh god, I didn’t expect that you will do like this. Will you do the same with me? Yes I will do with all but not with her, but this time I have to do it because I have to bring back myself to the way I was.

When I was about to leave, she was literally feeling bad for the situation and she said I will call her and you speak to her. Don’t go back with so much pain. I told her, yes it is paining but I am happy to go without talking to her. I am sure that SH would not have called you for any reason other than official things. But for my sake she was ready to call you. How you will understand all this?

I told SH, that I don’t want any mediator to talk with her. If at all I want, I can do it directly & I would have done it in office on the day I came. I want to check my strength. Even now I love her like before and it will not change whether I share it with her or not. Whatever pain I have got, it will also be there. She scolded me for that also. Then you suffer… She said I wanted to slap you.  You are not the first one my SH, already many told that they want to slap me for the love what I have for her.

Hey, I think you are not feeling for this silly person, you are feeling this much for your lost child. She was right but I was not able to accept that my kid was dead. I was not able to respond to her that how you are feeling for your mother even after one year of death.

Anantha was saying that you call her and try to speak with her. I told him, I am giving a chance for her to say that I didn’t call her so she didn’t talk to me, I don’t want to call her and if she doesn’t pick the call, I have to go with more pain. Already the pain what I am carrying is going to kill me.

What did you say in the last call…

You don’t have any hard feelings? Good joke, First I wanted to know whether you have any feelings, if so you would not have let this situation to come. I do have hard feelings, because I love you and you don’t deserve even to be as a friend for me.

What did I tell about your parents? Did I scold them? Did I abuse them? No way. I said I feel ashamed for loving you, but why should I? Only your parents should feel it because you have got such a wonderful name in your circle. I thought at least for their name sake you will change your attitude but you are selfish to the core…..  I came with pain only, but I got more pain because I was not able to change even 1% of your character and I too was in a position to scold you only.

I have the guts to say this in front of your parents itself. If you have the guts give their number.

You are saying you will not forgive me… Only those who has love, can forgive people and only the hearts which beats with feelings, love, care and concern can forgive. All that glitters are not gold and all the hearts are not good hearts if it has no love.

You can’t forgive me? Who are you to forgive me? I don’t need to ask any forgiveness to you because I have asked without doing any mistakes. Whatever mistakes you have done, I have accepted all as my mistakes and I have asked sorry. Every time when I used to say sorry and it was my mistake I was killed and was thinking my self (EGO) is getting killed, but I lost my self-respect only. I used to feel like killed because saying sorry without doing any mistake is hell for me,  inside my heart I will say to myself when she will realize that it is her mistake?

I don’t know why your boss called me and what he tried to do, whether it was with your permission or without your knowledge. Whatever it is you gave a false reason that you are upset because of me. You are of not such a person to get upset especially because of me. If so you would have not let this situation to come in our life. 

When your boss called me, same day, I tried to call you and you didn’t pick the call and after that only I sent the mail to your boss saying that I can’t be the reason for your resignation. You didn’t pick the call and you are blaming me that I sent a mail to your boss. What does he knows about my relationship with you? I don’t want someone to talk about you and me without knowing anything. Whatever words he said I can’t take it lightly. (Over Love, Forgive, Friendship)

What for this drama, I am really surprised because when I was there you don’t have any feelings and all of a sudden you are upset. You didn’t tell him the things really bothered you na. You should have told him, she gave me a strong dose of note and it really pricks me.

If at all, if you resign and leave the job, I am the happiest person about it because you will have time for your personal life (I sent that mail to your gmail id as well). I did not say anything wrong in that mail.. including DON’T TRUST ANYONE is the lesson I learned from you. I didn’t say you are not trust worthy. I said I should not trust anyone. 

I don’t prefer to have any relationship with anyone after a small misunderstanding. If you recall, I had a misunderstanding with your boss, after that I never had any friendship talk with him. All were official only and that too only if it is required. He cleared the misunderstanding, but to be a friend there is something more required and I used to talk to him as a trespasser only.

Up to me I didn’t lose you because you were never real and only thing is I was cheated and betrayed by a female who is younger to me by 12 years. I have to accept the fact that you cheated me with all your drama’s. You can’t be real because you don’t know what is love.

Someone called me and said as your husband, I don’t know whether he is your husband or somebody playing in between you and me. But I have to trust that he is your husband, because of my faith in you that you will not do any cheap drama’s by giving my number to a third person to speak to me as your husband. If it is your husband, then again I am sorry to say this; he should have asked you first what is bothering instead of asking me what happened?

He said, he doesn’t want the friendship to end in between us like this. I told that it will end in me with my death. He doesn’t know that it didn’t start in your heart at all. I am the one who got hurt and she will not get hurt.

letting-go1

It’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity.  Initially my heart was not broken because of you. The moment you said I am showing my real color, my heart got shattered. It is not easy to bring back my identity.

It’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. You killed a wonderful heart in the name of fake love.

One of my brother was nearby me and that was the reason for me to attend your husband’s call otherwise he would have been the first one to get the news of my death. You were lucky, god saved you. Mahesh called me and said I am waiting for you in front of your office. Your voice was not good and I felt something wrong with you, that’s why I came to see you Akka.

I don’t know that this guy can feel this much from my voice. He knows me for less than 3 months and this person can feel my pain and difference in my voice.  The moment he saw me, he said take the key and ride the bike. I want you to ride the bike. I don’t know how a flashing smile came in my face. While leaving my guest house, Mahesh gave me a passport foto and I was surprised to get it, because we have taken some foto’s together and I have with me in my mobile as well as in my laptop.

After reaching his home, he called and asked have you seen the foto, I said what is there in it, it is a passport size foto only na, he asked me to read the content what I have written at the back of the photo. “I missed so many things in life, I want you forever Akka”. I was so amazed to see the love from him, he knows that my world is full of love and the way I care for him is just a normal thing for me, but when he showed it, I felt like god took one from me and gave 1 dozen to me. I am always blessed and some curses of others might have touched me to learn it as a lesson.

God wanted me to live a long life that’s why he sent that brother to sit with me for 4 hours. I thought of jumping from the 8th floor. I used to be so careful that I don’t want to get hurt. I used to pray that I have to die with the natural health given by god, without any surgery or without any bone damage. I am so much conscious about my health and I was ready to jump from 8th floor.Normally I used to feel that my death also has to be history and I wanted my death to happen in my area only.  Above all I can’t die when I am SAD.

For the pain and plays what you have done with me, almost everyone asked your number… I told you earlier that the doctor who was giving treatment asked me to give your number, gee asked whether shall I talk to her, Anantha asked I will speak to her today and other friends also wanted to talk to you… I didn’t allow anyone to talk to you because I don’t need you to understand my pain through others.

let-go1

Normally I will not hold because holding hurts and it will spoil the past days as well. I tried to hold you were just not to make sure that I tried to hold you and only I tried to hold you. You were ready to fly that was the biggest mistake with me trying to hold you.

Rarely I used to feel that may be I was little hasty in giving up the people. May be they are good and I am understanding them wrongly. The More I tried to hold you the worst it happened. At least I would have got the feelings as pleasant, but as I tried to hold you for more time with pain, it got spoiled. My Love seemed to be so cheap for you. Sometimes holding on makes us stronger but I realized that holding you made me so weak and I thought it is time for me to let you go.

I don’t need to patch up the broken relationship. I don’t like to do it also. Once broken is broken only. Even if I try to patch up, the originality will not be there. When I came on 2nd December, if I would have returned the gift to you and If I would have turned my face as like you did, at least I would have got the old days as pleasant, now it looks so ugly and pathetic only for which I am feeling bad.

Honestly, I feel really stupid for holding on to things that just keep on hurting me which is unusual in me. You know from when it was hurting. When I got the first message from you as Sorry for hurting you. or when I shed my first tears because of your mistakes, I should have let it go.

                                                                                       Do I need to hold you with so much pain?  

Kids-Love-Adoption

Love is said to be unconditional but unfortunately most of the women in the world doesn’t know what it is? A woman will never know what is to love unconditionally, until they have given birth to a child. “There is no greater love than that between a mother and her child”, time and time again we have heard that the love between a mother and child is greatest of all the love.

Even I have no doubts whether it is true or not. However, I feel that it is unfair to disregard or not acknowledge those individuals who are not mothers, but instead play a vital or significant role in the child-care or upbringing of a child or showing the love to a kid which was not delivered by her.

It is true that from conception both a physical and an emotional bond are created between mother and child. Physically, through the attachment of the umbilical cord from the child to the mother, and emotionally feeling that child growing inside of her, a mother begins to form a sensitive and emotional bond, by thinking and talking to her baby.

At birth this emotional bond is even greater, as the woman sees and holds her baby in her arms for the first time. At this point she makes promises to protect and love her child forever.  It is the single most gratifying experience that a woman will go through.

Society has created a perception that because the mother is the one that brings her child into the world and experiences all that she goes through being pregnant, there is nobody that can love or form a bond with that child as she can. Yes there is a bond between a mother and her child and there is no dispute with regard to this. However, there are many people who play an active role in a child’s life as well.

What about the dad? Doesn’t he play an important role in a child’s upbringing too? Don’t you think there is a bond and love exists between father and child? What about the grannies, grand pa’s? In Indian culture, the second daughter gets two mothers and the first daughter gets an additional mother if the mother has got a younger sister.

What about those caretakers who are employed to take care of a child because of the parents’ professions or simply because they can afford to hire a nanny to take on that responsibility while the parents think about their professional & social lifestyles.  Inevitably a bond gets developed between the babysitter who is now the primary caregiver to the child.

Sometimes a child will become so attached to their granny or the nans and the mother may start to question or even get jealous of the relationship that may exist between the two.

Then there are adoptive parents. They didn’t give birth to their adoptive child, but a bond is formed.  A very strong and intense bond too, as the parents may feel as if they need to prove to themselves and to the child that not giving birth to them, doesn’t mean they love them any less.

In my opinion recognition should be given to those parents or guardians who take care of a child, as they are the one create the bond with the child without even giving birth to them.  I am so blessed to write about this topic, because we have couple of adopted kids at home and we know the real value of the love for the babies that are given birth by individuals and as adopted kids love.

I was given birth by my mother, but was deeply taken care of my mother’s mother and sister (Granny and Chithi), when I was young. The attachment with my granny and my Chithi is so lovable and I can give up anyone and anything for their love.

When we were in schooling, my neighbors were like the care takers and I have to think of all of them all through my life for giving me a better care along with their kids, when my parents were not around us.

I really wonder, how I got the instinct to love the third persons or strangers to the fullest or to show my care and concern to someone whom I know just for a day or a month. When I gave a deep thinking, I got the reason as my parents. They were not able to show their love and care to us, when we were young of course, they were busy in their professional life only for our survivals. Still the way we got all the love is from outsiders and may be a reason for me to show my gratitude in this way.

Still I will say that I have got the best parents when I compare my life style with others as the people who has everything other than the love and I have so much love only because of them. Whatever I am today is because of their indifferences in their life style and they taught me to grow in my life with all the struggles. They are the one who taught me all the confidence, thought provoking attitude, professional growth, sincerity, passion to work, passion to love, passion towards life, passion in anything I do…

What is my passion now???

I wanted to adopt two kids and wanted to dedicate my life for them, but god has some other plans for me and I am awaiting for it…..