Today is such a special day of my life, I can’t believe it how this day has become so special for me? It is really unbelievable, how can I feel so much for a person whom I was not aware of this person same day last year. How strange god is and the way he plays with the feelings is really unique. Thank you for blessing me with this sweet Angel.
In spite of the prison kind of experience, my mind was not allowing me to keep cool and concentrate on my treatment and mind was going on thinking about how to celebrate this day with her. What is so special in it? For me birthdays are very special, I can miss my festivals Diwali, Pongal, New Year, but I love to celebrate the birthdays in grand manner.
Whether it is my birthday or my family members or friends, I love to be part of their celebrations. Most of the time, I will not miss any of my friends or relatives birthdays. This year I got the couple of other friends added to my list and already we celebrated few birthdays before leaving UAE.
I made a lot of plans to return back to celebrate this sweet girls birthday with her, but mind was telling me, she will hurt you deeply, it is her basic character and I used to assume that she doesn’t do it purposely.
I gave some fake reasons to my family that I have to be in my office on 01-Nov-2012 and I will come back on 03-Nov-2012. Everyone believed and of course I didn’t deceive any one. There was a genuine reason, but I took it as a lame excuse to travel straight from hospital. All of them agreed for my travel including the doctor because I was so unrest and doctor felt that only allowing me to travel will make me feel comfortable. I told then I cant be here and I will become mad.. Already I am feeling like am mad.
I was in dilemma whether to travel or not, because travel could cause major problem to my health as I have to be in sitting/standing positions for about 8 hours, because in the hospital, they don’t allow me even to stand for 5 minutes.
Normally I take decisions instantly and since I was very confused I thought my decision will go wrong. So I decided to check with god. Hey don’t smile and most of us will do it and I am used to do it, when I am under utter confusions, I will write yes or no in two pieces of papers and I will take one out of it and take it as gods wish. I used to follow it. I wrote Yes and no in two pieces of paper and prayed to god asking for yes I can travel. I got yes and felt like flying.
I booked the ticket and informed my dream girl that I booked the ticket, that’s it after that no communication from her and it was like this for some time and I was unrest because of this sweet girl. Till now I don’t know what the reason behind it is. I informed all other friends also that I am coming and everyone was delighted that I will be there for some specific reason.
I got yes from god to travel, but still my mind was unrest, because the pain of missing someone hurts deeply, when that person does it purposely. Still I wish to go and celebrate her birthday and make her day the best.
Even after booking the ticket, I was in mix-up feeling whether to go or not. Not once, many times, I got yes to go still my mind was in deep turmoil. Hurt was so deep and I felt like, I can’t take it anymore. If she avoids me on that occasion, then there is no meaning in my travel. My gut feeling said that for sure she will do that. She will have her own reasons and she will give me a reason that I came from hospital so she don’t want to see me. I was getting killed with this feeling of instability. Heart urges to go and mind says not to go. Brain says don’t go, heart says I have to be there and if she avoids, the pain is not only for heart, it is going to stop my brain as well. For me, both Brain and Heart has to agree to whatever I do. I can’t do something when both have two different feelings.
I tried to book some gifts for her through online, first day it was not allowing me to do the payment and I thought god don’t want me to book it and he wants me to travel and heart was so happy that am going to fly for the special day of my life. But brain was still feeling negatively. I kept myself preoccupied with other activities (Yazhini), but mind was going on this day only. I was fighting with everyone in the hospital. All of them were surprised to see my indifferent behavior as I was so pleasing and co-operative to them. I told them that I love to see people with smiles and they all know me very well in short time.
Whether I travel or not, I thought I will send a gift to her and booked it after deciding various factors. I ordered for a flower basket with 26 Red Roses (she told me, she likes Red Rose) with a Birthday Cake, a Teddy & a Box of Chocolates (She loves Choc). I tried in couple of shops when I was in UAE itself to place the order anywhere. Luckily I didn’t do it, because she changed her residence after showing her place to me . It would have been a difficult situation for me to change the order, if I would have booked it personally. I was waiting for her address and she deliberately she didn’t give it to me and again reasons unknown.
All my friends asked are you missing her, I said no, I am not because she is there with me mentally and I don’t miss her. I told them I am talking to her mentally and they made fun that you are going to become mental only, even I felt that am going to become crazy. In fact, I avoided to talk to them for a week so as they will not talk about her. I avoided them only because of rejection and I was in a feeling that I will become crazy.
On 25th October, I was in a feeling that I will be travelling and I will be in UAE next week, even while under treatment, I used to tell everyone, I am going out of this prison and next week this time, I will be enjoying my time with her.
On 27th October, I don’t know suddenly my health got affected and I felt like I will die within few hours, I can’t explain in detail about the health issues but I came to know that it is deteriorating me. Within 1 hour I felt like am lifeless. I can die in an accident but not of mental stress or worries. How could someone occupy me so deeply?
My health condition stopped my treatment once again and I was forced to stop the treatment to fly as per my schedule. Doctor asked me, if you still wish to travel, we can stop the treatment but I will not advice to do that. I was not given a choice, physically I was so down and I was unable to get up and walk for 2-3 days and with my treatment was getting delayed . Already we decided to cut short the treatment for my trip sake, but now it looked like I have to stop the treatment abruptly without completing the cycle.
This time, I took the decision and told the doctor, I am not flying, I can’t go and I will finish the course and then I will decide what to do. It is not only the money I have spent for the treatment, but I have spent my most precious time which will go waste, if I stop the treatment. I have spent more than 6 weeks and expected duration of the treatment was only 3 weeks for normal cases and I expected it to complete within 4 weeks. I spent 6 weeks patiently and I can’t spoil my health anymore for any reasons. I can’t get another 6 weeks of time in my life to waste in an hospital. I don’t have the luxury of doing it once again. I walked in to the hospital with patience and I don’t want to return as a patient. I have to get complete cure of the treatment.
I cancelled the ticket with a heavy heart but still hoping that I can make it on 2nd November but not on 01 November.
I asked my friend to buy a greeting card for her. When I asked her to buy, she asked how can I buy for your feeling, I told her, buy it like a card which you will give it to me for my birthday, that will suit my feeling for her. Immediately, she told me, you can’t have such a person in your life. It is not possible to have someone like that in your life, the way you are to me is unique. I told her you don’t decide how a person can be there for me or not, but I have someone so special like how I am to you. May be she was right, because I gave respect to her feelings and it is 15 years old now. She tried to get the card but could not get it because I gave some specifications that I want a card of A4 size. As the world evolves with Internet, paper cards are not being used, most of the small shops don’t have the bigger size cards and I didn’t get a chance even to cross the entrance of the hospital.
As she was not able to get a card, I thought that I will prepare my own card for her, almost for the above friend I prepared it 15 years back and I remembered it suddenly and started working on it. My boss used to tell me that I used to do everything with passion, yes not only my work, even my love is my passion. As I was not allowed to sit for longer time, it took nearly two weeks for me. My health condition was not allowing me to work continuously but I was not able to close it because of my eagerness. I tried initially with her favorite songs and then I used to rearrange the photos, wordings, appearance, visual, animations. Finally changed the music to happy birthday tunes as it is to wish her on her birthday.
On 27th October, I uploaded that file also in the YouTube and sent the link without giving the access to her. There was no response from her and I told myself that she is so busy.
I decided that I will not talk to her after 02 November and that will be the last day of my communication because of so many confusions. I am really confused whether she is avoiding me or ignoring me or missing me or some other problem… I was not able to guess anything and both heart and brain said she is not ignoring me, because even though she is not communicating, she used to keep up in a way not to cut the relationship. It is really painful when you long for someone and the person rejects you without any reason.
Oct 30th I was working on a card for another friend’s birthday which falls a day before her birthday. For this friend I prepared the same kind of greetings. I used the same style of pictures for him, I felt like I have to prepare something fresh for her. I thought of preparing some new card for him, but the time was not there and I used the same and changed little to suit to his character. Due to my health issues, I totally forgot to make something unique for him….
Oct 31st I started working on another new set of files, only thing doesn’t change was the music. I was working till 12.00 PM Indian time and wished the friend for his birthday and then continued working on it. The earlier version I created for her was only for 6 minutes video file and it took nearly 15 days of my time.
I asked one of my trustworthy friends in UAE to buy an A4 size card for her, who knows what she means to me and what kind of feeling I have for her. He bought a card of my choice and gave it to her on 01st November. Also I asked him to send it with a note,” Don’t send it back, can throw it in a dustbin with a smiley”.
As soon as she received it, she sent a message, thanks a lot for the card and chocolates dear, First gift for my birthday with a smiley smiling and crying, Miss U. But she forgot that was her second gift from me for her birthday but as it was very nearer, she felt this as first gift. May be she would have forgotten the first gift. Normally I will feel so touched when I get a message from her, but this time, I was not feeling so great because I felt like she is playing with my feelings and I sent a reply saying that to a 3rd person also I wish them from heart… you were the most important beloved person till yesterday, how can i miss it, Lot more to come….
When I started working on this second edition, I was feeling like I am running short of time, as the uploading to the YouTube took 6 hours for the first version of the file, due to the poor internet connectivity inside the hospital. I jolted the pictures, wordings, and almost the presentation was ready and went to bed almost 3 AM in the morning.
I know that I can work on 01 November, but the doctors will not allow me to sit and do the work. So I spent almost all the night in preparing it. I slept for 3 hours and the day started as usual for me by 7.00 AM. I started my laptop fine-tuned the presentation; even a small mistake will take a lot of time to correct it in the video file. Tried my level best to avoid the spelling mistakes to great extent, but it took 2-3 hours for me to make it as a presentable format. There were lots of typo errors even after creating the video file. My Passion made me to create it to the near completeness, I hope it not 100% perfect but still I will complement myself with 98%.
After that I went for my treatment and I am not supposed to work, in fact I forgot everything in this two days, my medicines, exercises, walking, calling home, and talking to hospital staffs. I used to lock the door and was working. When someone knocks, I will switch off the lights and will show them an atmosphere that I was taking complete rest, as the treatment was in last stage and they were worried about my health and I was worried about my wishes.
As I didn’t call anyone, my mother called me and asked me what are you doing, from morning you didn’t call any of us. Then I told her that it is her birthday and that is the reason I wanted to go to UAE, as I was not able to go, I am preparing a greeting card for her birthday, it is yet to complete. To the greatness of my mother, she said wish her and then go to bed and I love her for those words.
When the clock was ready to touch twelve, I was ready with the pdf file and the video file was getting uploaded. I sent the mail to her even before the clock touched 12. I asked one of my friend to verify whether it is accessible as I did not give the access to others to view it. Only two of them got access to view the first version and the latest version was getting uploaded.
At midnight 12, the friend who bought the greeting card for her asked me nanba, is there any more surprises for her? I think you will be here tomorrow morning. I told him, I wish to take an early morning flight, but I can’t escape from this prison, it has got 5 doors and all the doors were locked. If I could escape, I will take the first flight to wish her in person. Even if I have wings to fly I can’t because all the doors were locked.
As I know about my cute, she will not open any mails, when I send a mail, I have to tell her to check and we have to ask her whether you read the mail, after reading also she will not say anything. If we expect any reply, we have to ask her (I love this – Height of Attitude). I sent the mail with the link even before it gets uploaded. Finally the video file got uploaded the around 2.00 AM today.
I told her that I can’t wait till 12.00 UAE time, because I was so tired because continuous 2 days of work and hardly had I taken rest for 4 hours. I will call you by 12.00 my time. She simply said go and sleep, that is the attitude and if it was somebody else, even if it was me, I would have said, call me at your 12, no problem. She is so nice and gentle, she don’t want me to wait till my 12 also… or I don’t know she don’t want me to wish her.
Somehow even I felt that I will not wish her, only the song needs to be played when she calls and I thought to disconnect the call. To the greatest insult, when she called, I kept the mobile near the laptop so as she can hear the wishes. But she said, I didn’t hear, I will call you after 15 minutes. I was waiting for that 15 minutes and it went for 1.5 hours and I tried calling her so as I can wish her at UAE 12AM. Again no response, she didn’t pick the call.
I didn’t get the sleep till 3.00 AM and fall asleep because of last two days tiredness. As soon as I slept the next day started as per my hospital routine and felt like killing as the time was not moving slowly. I got a call from her in the morning 8.15 AM which is almost 8 hours later and I was very upset and I rejected the call. She would have got up for prayer. She called me again and I felt like picking the call, but she will start with a sorry da, I don’t want to hear from her on her birthday. I felt like let me punish me without picking the call from her because I was the one who wanted to wish her even after knowing her attitudes. I thought to call her back then I felt like she would have slept again after prayer.
I went for my treatment and I saw her missed call after coming from the treatment. As I didn’t pick her 3 calls, she decided that I am not interested to pick her calls. She sent an SMS saying that she was not able to view the file and the link was not working. I know she sent that message only to make me to talk to her as I cross checked with another friend, link was working. I responded her back little harshly saying that god doesn’t want you to check that. Still I felt bad for that message because I was harsh on her birthday. It was a self-made card by me and I sent it for her birthday.Again sent a message to her access is given to you, sign in with your id, and then it will be visible.
Within 1 hour I got another message from her, I don’t have any words to say…. Still thank you so much, it was so surprising gift… Immediately I rang up the vendor to whom I ordered the flowers & Cake to check up whether they delivered it at her residence. I thought to call her after their confirmation. In the meantime, I sent her was it got delivered? Whether it got 26 roses or not?
Immediately she called me and was saying thank you and started shedding tears. As I am hearing her voice after 10 days, I was not able to speak and my voice got broke down but still I don’t want to shed tears. How is it? Was the flower basket fresh? I was so wild that I should not talk to her any more but when she cried, I felt so bad and was unable to control showing my care for her. I told her you deserve it sweet heart and I did not do something great, it was just a small flower basket. She said so sweetly that this is her first surprise kind of gift. I know because she said to me that she has got first online greeting card when I sent an online greeting card for Valentine ’s Day or some other day. I tried to talk to her but could not talk to her. Even she said she will call me back later. I asked her to send the photos of the flowers.
It is not now my dear, I have done it long back and I used to send telegrams as birthday wishes to my friends. It is a way of showing your love for the deserved person. I have someone for whom I bought continuously cards for 10 years for all occasions and I have not sent any of it to her. I sent all of it few years back to her address. I know that she would have felt overwhelmed…
Love is like appetite, the more you give/take it, after few hours the more you will feel hungry.
She knows that I have celebrated my friend’s birthdays with them and I make sure that they have a great day. She is one of the most important and highly respected girl in my life and how can I miss her birthday? When I celebrate my friend’s birthdays, I will make sure that they remember that birthday for ever. I hope she will remember this for some time. With her we can’t expect anything, she might ask me what’s special in my birthday yaar, it was as usual day.
Anyways, even though I missed to be there with her, I felt like it is good in a way and I could do whatever I felt that I have to do. Only one sweet box, I could not give it to her. My friend would have bought it and given it to her, but I was really scared to make him buy because I never know whether this lady will take it or throw it. Thank you my dear friend for your lovely way to support me in doing what I wished to do….
In between lot of SMS sent on the photos and she was ok. I tried calling her in the evening so as I can go to bed little early. When she used to call me we used to talk even 1 hour continuously without any news. But in the recent days I was not able to talk to her even for a minute and she was increasing the gap day by day and made it as huge gap.
I thought of asking her what is the problem and I wanted to give an end to it. When I asked her, she said no problem and I am not talking to you because I am always giving pain. My Dear Kutty, whatever it is I love to get that pain and not the pain of ignoring.
I have a huge circle and I never allowed anyone to enter into my personal circle. There are many people who used to feel me as close to them, but I keep up a long distance with everyone. When I move part from them, they will not feel the pain. I do keep up their expectations to the core. Almost all my friends are out of reach and I don’t miss any of them. We keep in touch almost every day, every hour.
Love lies in Trust, Respect, Communication and Honesty. Respect is not the respect given for the age or place. Value the other persons feeling with Respect. Communication you know how poor you are in that…..
I Love You means, I give respect to your Feelings, I Trust you, my communication with you is very important and I am honest with whatever I do to you. You mean a lot to me… not only by words but also by deeds
Have a Lovely Birthday and Many More Happy Returns of the Day……
I Love you and I Miss you and the very special day of yours…
May God Bless his love to you in a Special way so as I can feel the real Happiness in your face…
Cold war still goes on….between us, I don’t know how long she will punish me, you let me know the reason so as I can take it easily…