Archive | June 2012

Feelings continues ! ! !

Love isn’t something you can see, but it’s something you can feel

Some what I don’t believe in the first sight love and I feel that love has to grow slowly in the hearts of the two unknown people. Love of a mother towards a kid also grows from the time the baby started growing in her womb. It is not that the love starts only after seeing the baby. Mother starts loving the kid even before the birth of it.

There must be something special feeling/liking towards the other person to feel so happy or to show the love for them. We can’t blindly love a person without finding a special thing in them. I admired some for their beauty, smile, naughty, wild & style, for some I admired their presence of mind, dedication towards their work, I admired some because of their adamant nature, intelligence, wickedness,  I admired some  the way of approach, it goes on… I don’t remember someone whom I love or admire without any special qualities in them.

There are some cases in some of my friends where I have seen their reflection of love in their eyes on first sight.  Somehow I put them under scanner and test them very badly on what basis is their love. I don’t do it with all, but when I see the love in their eyes then I don’t believe them at all. My friendship starts from heart and ends in heart when it stops its beating and it will be forever till the time I live and they all will be as my friends.

When I want to name it as a special relationship, I need to feel that they are worth of my relationship and I need a strong bond to show them as my relationship. A friend is more than a brother but to name it as a brother it is not an easy thing for me and they can’t become a brother of mine or a sister or any other relation so easily.  It will be too good for a brother to become a good friend.

Mahtab

When we started playing badminton, we got used to know a guy from Bangladesh, who used to play furiously. I think I would have got very little chance to interact with him. But I know from day one of our coincidental meeting, he started feeling so much love for me. Initial few days he used to feel so shy to talk as I am the only female in the group. I was not having any reason to talk to him as I have known people around me, but for him all of us are new.

Within short span of time, we used to miss him because of his fast and furious action in the ground. He will be playing so wildly and I remember him scolding play it like a gentleman and don’t try to show off as if it is a game of do or die. This is not a champion’s league; we are here just to kill our time and to do some exercising. I was very rude to him. My intention is not to scold him, as we all have to go for work next day and any injury is a loss to the company as well as to the people.

We used to meet almost daily and we got used to know each other. I have not seen such a strong love of a guy who feels me as his sister and his love has made me to feel irritated first few days and I used to feel how come we can have this kind of feeling for someone whom we don’t know anything.

A brother as a friend is provided by nature,

A friend as a brother is provided by his nature.

I have not got the opportunity to grow up with elder or younger brothers. I do have some cousin brothers and who are really more close to me as my brothers. I can surely depend on my cousin brothers for anything. My relationship is as strong as like my friends circle. I do keep up a very healthy relationship with all my relations.

But with this guy from Bangladeshi, why still Bangladeshi, he is  sweetest  “Mahtab”. I don’t know what made him to feel so close to his heart. Oh god, I can’t feel that his love was painful to me. I was not able to feel that love as love and feeling it as painful. I used to block his phone numbers, gtalk id. Whatever I have done, he has not changed his mind. I used to fight with him, saying don’t disturb me, I don’t want any disturbing love for me, it is painful, please don’t talk to me.

Anytime, he will feel Didi, didi and didi… oh god, that word itself has become so painful for me, because of his overpowering love. He has got sisters and brothers of his own, and how a person who has all of it can feel it with someone else? I don’t know many times, I have told him you can’t be a brother to me, if at all If I have a daughter/son, for them you can be a brother because of his childish behavior and I can’t feel you as my brother.

For that also, he didn’t feel sad, instant response from him was, if you would have got married and got kids, then I would have called you as ma. I mean it, I love you more than anything in this world. He took my mother’s gtalk id, and he will chat with her, complain to her saying that I am not cordial with him etc.,

Love has to be pleasant not as a pain. I have seen enough pain because of love and I don’t want any new brothers or any new relations in my life. I was so harsh and wild to him.

I know he would have got hurt, but he has never shared that it was painful and he was very keen in showing his love to me. Every day I will scold him and every day before coming he will call me whether we all are going to come for playing or not. Suddenly he stopped coming for plying.

When I scold him he will feel so happy as if someone from his family scolds him. I am sure that he will not take it so seriously that someone scolds him and blindly he will follow my words.

He has not turned to our group and started playing with other group. I was in a feeling that he is busy and that’s why he is not coming for playing. I didn’t try to call him also. Somehow god made me to feel that he is in great pain because of me.

I think we  didn’t fight or it was just a war of talk. He said I have to call him to come for playing and I said I will not call you, if you want to play,  come for playing. I was not feeling  that he is not coming because I failed to  call him.

Normally I will not go for a walk in the playing area, it was a windy day and we were not able to play. I thought I will go for a walk and then go home.

To my surprise, I saw this idiot playing with other group. It was really shocking for me. I never thought he can do that. His love for me will not allow him to go away from me. But how come he is playing in another group without even seeing me.

When I went nearby him, he started running away and he doesn’t want to talk to me. I waited for him to come back to play in that group and caught his ears and asked him to come with me. I still remember the way he came along with me, even without trying to remove my hands from his ears. I love it idiot. I don’t think I can do it even with my son.

It is nice growing old up with someone like you, someone to lean on, someone to count on… someone to tell on, someone to trust on ! ! !

I remember early on I would tease and push him around, and scold him a lot because that’s what we do with younger one at home. When he was not around and went on for a vacation for two months, it was really the time I started feeling his absence. No gtalk, no calls, no Facebook  and there was absolute no communication from him.  I started feeling his love for me and I started feeling that unknowingly it has touched my heart and I was enjoying it. I was missing him very badly.

As our relationship got older, I curled up protecting him and eventually that turned into a more understanding bond than that of a friendship. During this year our relationship has evolved and grown in many ways from a friend to a brother and a brother to a son.

Also I really feel that attachment to people is a weakness and I have suffered a lot because of it. I was purposely keeping him away from the close circle. I tried my level best not to show that I know his love for me. But he never gave up and made me to feel that I have to change my attitude for him and I have started showing my love for him. I know your love from the day one but I am sorry I don’t want any pain in future that’s why I avoided you. I made you to shed more tears even before showing my love.

I was little cautious not to get hurt but I am getting hurt everyday in the name of love and I wish I have to get it from all the lovable people around me.

God wanted me to undergo some pain in life because of love and certainly I can’t avoid it. Till the time we are in this world lets enjoy the gift of love which god has given to us.

The word “family” rarely ends up with the blood related but unto me, it is getting wider day by day as I allow many to enter into my family. My family is like my country a secular family and my family dwells across the borders.

He is my most beloved friend and my bitterest rival (only when we are playing), my confidant and my betrayer, my supporter and my dependent, and scariest of all is he is of my equal strength.

May god bless him with all the Love and I wish that he should be part of all my best and worst moments and I should be there in all his best moments and give all the worst moments to me for the pain what I have given to you in the past few months. Let me not miss his love till our last breath! ! !

You can never make anybody love you. All you can do is become a lovable person and you are a lovable person and made a rock to love you.

I love you ! ! !

Feeling continues
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Feelings continues… ! ! !

Magic of Love…

Love is a sweet word which is always like a magic and it always will be. Love always remains in all the hearts and it is still a mystery. It creates haziness and mistiness. Love works in many ways that are unbelievable and strange as well. There is nothing in life that love cannot change. Love transforms a person from one level to another. It can make a soft person to wild and a wild person to soft. It has got the magic power to make nothing to everything and everything to nothing.

Love is said to be unselfish but we are in the selfish world and we use the power of love and the feeling of others as well for the selfish reason with time and trust. Here the time I mean is for my convenience I can love you and with my own stipulated time, I can love you not as you love me unconditionally and trust is for the reasons I want to trust I will trust you and I will not trust you in whole.

To be honest, I was in deep stress because of many factors and almost the days I start with a bright smile and same way  today has to be celebrated by me with great joy and because of some reason I was in deep mourning and I was not able to feel the day started with a great note.

By all means I was affected and whatever I was doing like personal, professional, love, friendship, care, health wise feeling sick both physically and mentally.

Normally my day will start with plenty of pleasant good morning message’s from many good friends and today also I got couple of it and I was not able to feel happy because I missed from someone whom I love the most.

A friend visited my place and saw me after a long gap and I was feeling little comfort with his presence. Even though we didn’t talk much, but I felt that I can get relieved from the pain what I was enduring in the last couple of days. When there is love, there is no need of much to talk. He was talking about his wife, family and back home things and we discussed about couple of our friends.

I know what it’s like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can’t, how you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill something on the inside”

The reason for me to feel day is not good is nothing but the expectation. Expectation is really a big problem which made me to feel that my day is not good.  A call from India would have made huge difference. I didn’t get the call, but when I tried to call the beloved person, I was not able to talk as the other end was very busy.

Since the Day is special I expected the call, when I don’t expect any calls, I will get many calls and being a Saturday I know that I will get the call, but the heart is impatient and when we don’t get it when it is needed, it weeps and makes us to feel like dying.

Apart from the calls from my home or my personal relations, everything is my professional and others are professional friends, personal friends, hi & hello friends.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because of the accidents made by us. It dies because we don’t know how to refill  it’s source.  It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of ruining. Love dies because of expectations also. Love dies because of mistrust.

I was in a mindset that I have to be away from both my personal and professional environment, but fate made me to be at my office.  Before starting to office, I started feeling the day is not good, and thought that I will keep fasting and started my day with my usual prayers. Only in god we can trust, even god gives us pain to validate whether we are in sync with him or not. Why not the humans?

I am scared to get close to people after getting a deep hurt by a friend couple of years ago. But destiny made me to create new friends in the new country and the reason for it was my thambi (Brother) and because of him, I started smiling from the heart.

Because of him, I got so many friends and I have to be thankful to him and to god as well for giving me this change in my life. Otherwise I would have felt the loneliness; I mean being alone would have killed me in this country due to the professional tensions. I restricted myself for long time to be away from social circle because of the hurt from my friends circle.

Due to some misunderstandings, me and my brother stopped talking for more than 6 months and I was really feeling like deep hurt. Because of him, I started smiling; I started to feel my old college days, because of him I got so many new friends. Because of him I started feeling that I can start a new beginning with my friendship as I was away from my social networking due to the hurt factors.

When we had some misunderstanding, it was not really a misunderstanding, I will name it as EGO and we didn’t talk to each other, but we will be seeing each other, we will not smile at each other, but we will feel for each other.

When I entered the office, I was in deep grief and decided that I have to correct myself for two reasons so as I can get back the peace what I am trying to get it from other sources.

Instead of longing for the old love, get back the love what I have missed and which is readily available in front of me. It is not gone with wind love, it is in front of me and feeling for me. Just because of our Ego, we didn’t talk to each other. We will cut jokes, we will pass sarcastic comments about each other but we were not ready to talk to each other.

When we were close, our time was so good and it will be great fun to enter the office. I felt that it seems that every time I get close to someone, they always have to go away. Maybe it’s time to teach me how life goes on and how I shouldn’t depend on people so much, or maybe I just trust the wrong people” and I decided not to correct or to repair the misunderstanding with my brother. It is not only that he will make us to smile, he will make us to think as well. I used to admire him for the way he used to analyze and also for his sincere and dedication in whatever he does. (Same with love and care as well)

The main reason for this reunion is also one of my friend because of whom I got so much hurts, but still I felt that I can’t let the feelings go. If I can do that for a friend whom I got because of my brother, how can I do injustice to the one who made me to smile when I forgot to smile? Neither he has done any harm to me nor we had any fights. We have high regards and respect for each other and above all I have seen his care and love for me, how can I throw his love for a silly reason and that too for more than 8-9 months.

Today is the day I have to make the re-union and when the time for ordering the food came, one of my best friend asked what do you want, I said, if my brother is going to treat, then I prefer to break my fast otherwise, I will continue with my fast and I will break it in the night. Immediately Thambi also asked check what she wants..  We ordered with a condition that he should be ready to eat with me and team, as he was not having his food especially with me in the last few months.

To my great knowledge this re-union should have happened long time ago, at least a month back. I know that my brother was ready to talk to me leaving his entire ego, still who will tie the bell to the cat was going on in our minds.

Finally today the great reunion happened and I am so happy because we always look at the door which is closed and we never look for the other door which is open.  Part of my social life started because of my brother and I was not interested to repair the misunderstanding irrespective of many occasions gave the opportunity to correct our mistakes.

I know he would have expected me to talk to him first and being elder than him, I should have initiated and I made him to miss many of our wonderful moments. I am sorry for that. I used to scold him for missing it but I know that he missed all those only because I was part of it.

At last, to my brother, “Don’t judge anyone by the way they speak. Judge them by the way they care. Because caring is the outcome of a truthful heart”.

My next article will talk about the Bangladeshi dart champion 🙂

Feelings Continues ! ! !